surrealism is not my style

[ciluzen]

Thank you, Nel. That actually is very helpful advice. I've been so caught up in trying to not offend H and show him my 180s that I've been short changing me. I will think of this as a business transaction from now on.

In fact, as much as I want to turn this around, I'm realizing that if it happens at all it won't be anytime soon. I have to let go of H. I will leave that door cracked open, but I've got to get my head straight and move on.

I had a chat with my oldest (D25) last night. She is exhausted from work, moving, being a newlywed, and also stressed out about being in the middle of H's and I's M issues. She said she wanted her mom back. I then really realized how I had let my hurt, my pain, affect my life and everyone else around me. I need to stop. NEED to.

New goals I am creating:

1) Be a mom again to my daughters. I've heard it loud and clear from both of them; they need their mom, even if I have to bite my tongue off when they mention their dad. I need to listen to them for awhile; not show them victim-mom in pain or confusion. They have their own adult problems.

2)I need to allow them to forge a relationship with their Dad WITHOUT me. It hurts, but I don't want them to pull away from either of us; we both love them and they love us. We (H and I) are just not a we anymore so there may be many times the kids do things with us separately. Its ok.

3)I need to stop thinking so much about what H thinks, what he's doing with others, if he will call, will I run into him at certain events, etc. It doesn't matter anymore. I will still be pleasant, friendly and cheerful with smiles and eye contact; but I should be anyway to everyone. No preparation needed.

4) GAL the heck out of my life. I have A LOT of interests, from reading to art, sports, outdoor activities, fine dining, movies, theater, lectures... Now I finally have the time (maybe not the budget, though).

5)Pursue my dreams...I had some, once, that were all mine...

6)Speak to an occupational counselor. What advanced degree should I use to enhance my BA and make it more usable, possibly in the psyche/behavior field. I need a better job but one that interests me as much as the one I have.

7) Start thinking of areas to live in; apartment, condo, house? How much? I have a dog. What do I need to make me comfortable?

8) Find new friends,work on the ones I have, and reconnect with the old...I've been trying to communicate more since H always did. Now I need to put myself out there and push those relationships I want...make those connections so that I'm never this lonely again!

9) Take care of myself. Looked hard in the mirror and was shocked. Got on the scale and did some calculations. Yeah...I'm not eating enough for what the stress is burning away. People tell me I look great, but its winter here. I can't wear sweaters and down vests before too long.


Yeah. I need to REALLY focus on me and my needs. My H will still have his job, favorite house, vehicles, friends. He's not really concerned with me, right now. But my life is going to be VERY different. I need to stop crying about it to everyone and start preparing. What's that quote? "Get busy living or get busy dying." Something like that.