Nitaf, I think your H is confused. You are changing, he is feeling differently, he is scared. He is not sure if your changes are for real.
I for one, and not in every situation, believe that ML is good in this case. If you are not in the mood, as Nike says, "Just Do It." You will get in the mood after you start. And yes, H will feel something for you. Even if only briefly. Hey, it's fun, and you are adding to good memories.
Right now, I think your challenge is to contine DBing, be pleasant, validate him when he talks about things he is feeling, and ADD to the good memories. Sounds like you guys have some bad memories that are eclipsing the good times you have had.
Well, time to create new memories. Get that bball team over there to the house, make H feel comfortable in your house, make him feel like he CAN go out with you on a date (maybe include S at first so he feels like it's a family outing, then trail off and go out on dates yourself later after he is more comfortable.)
Do you guys camp? I am thinking overnight family trips. Something that the two of you used to like doing together, plan it alone, invite H, and if he doesn't come, you can still enjoy on your own. If he does come, that's good, you are adding to the memories that will eventually eclipse the old, bad ones.
I read up on your sitch and it is so like mine. My h did the dance of lets ml then lets d, it's over it's on! I understand where you are in your fustration level.
What you need to realize is that right now it is all about him. You got to let go of defending yourself, don't push him for an explanation of his actions or whereabouts. Be friendly, be busy! Don't hang on his remarks, don't say anything rash. Let him do what he will do.
As for him coming to the house, maybe every once in a while change up the routine. Instead of him calling to ml, how about surprising him when he comes over by meeting him dressed in some sexy negligee (maybe a 180 for you?). Throw a wrench in that routine of his...get him thinking! What ideas do you have for this?
As hard as this may seem, you will need to let it be about him. You deal with your feelings about your a...forgive yourself. Then work on letting go of his a.
He wants you, he wants the m...he's testing your resolve to stick with the m. Do not tell him to file, say "H do what you think is best for the family"...turn the decision to him. Make wanting the d all about him.
Wiley's advice in this type sitch which worked for me is "Be sexy, be busy, act as if the situation is great as is, no pressure"!
You can do this! Now is your time to get your own life.
Hi nitaf, just stopped by to check on you...I don't know what I can add to the great info you've gotten. I swear these guys all sound so much alike though!
Every sitch is different, but I still think ml is one more way to connect when maybe other things don't work....cindys ideas about being surprising sound good, though....I'm gonna do some work on that myself.
Nitaf, I've skimmed through your thread. I think you've been doing very well overall. I think its good that two of you have been ML. What I've written below are some general pointers that seem to apply directly to your sitch, I think some other posters have already mentioned these as well. Most of these are basic DBing skills, but sometimes the basics are most important, they are the foundation without which we would be lost.
--Patience is your best friend. Don't pressure your S. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Look for the small changes you can make that improve you and improve your interactions, and be consistent about your changes for the better. Even after you reconcile, you will need to keep DBing to keep from falling back. --Act as if something good will happen and it generally will. strive for positive interactions. --Stop crazymaking. Overanalyzing everything will only drive you nuts. Try to stay focused on the positives, remember your babysteps. Don't beat yourself up. --Thoughtstopping is very useful when your S starts to criticize you or say something mean. Don't defend, just listen. Look for the advice in their criticism when you can. Think about how you can change your behavior in the future so they can't complain about this particular thing again. And don't vent with your S (when you need to vent, do it here. when you need to cry or scream, try to do it later when they're not around). And it's generally good practice to avoid R talks (something I've slipped on a number of times, I can't resist when she initiates). Something I'd posted in another thread awhile back... Strive to be lovingly detached. Detaching meaning we're not spun all around by their roller coaster, and loving meaning that we can support them unconditionally when it spins them. --Make home life appealing to them. Make home a place they don't want to leave. Be sure to keep yourself attractive too (attitude, health, grooming, and attire can go a long way). --Your happiness is your own responsibility. Take care of yourself. --Review often your babysteps, your goals, whats working for you, and what doesn't work. Keep learning and adjusting.
Also, in my own sitch, and I know I've mentioned this many times ad nauseum elsewhere, it really does help to pay attention to your S's LL, and decipher all the different ways you can use that to make them feel more loved with you. Also, while you probably don't have to deal with an OW right now, you both have had A's. I've had to deal extensively with an OM. I've learned that it does me NO good whatsoever to think about he and her, it does me NO good whatsoever to snoop, it does me NO good whatsoever to bring him up myself in convos or to talk bad about him, and whenever she talks about him I try to learn what I can be that would fulfill her need to see him. Think about moving forward, not about rehashing the bad. Some of these lessons probably apply to how you can handle the A's you and your H had.
Natif...just wanted to say keep your head held high and walk tall. When you are down and out without realizing it, we walk w/slumped shoulders and bow our heads a bit. Stand tall as if you are a queen and all is well. It helps your PMA as well.
Next time you go to bed, think about something wonderful as you drift off to sleep so that when you wake up the next day you will be filled w/good vibes. Then when your feet hit the floor, say It's gonna be a good day. This will help you w/interacting w/H and everyone else.
Sounds like you've got plenty of good advice here. Tootles........
hi nitaf - boy what a tangle you have there! you are doing SO well to have managed to stay on an even keel with all that history, and the rollercoaster H is on
i totally agree with the observations rotz makes - H is confused, and is likely to throw more unpredictable stuff at you. cindy and renew had very good advice. my only original addition, and this may be because i genuinely have a short attention span - break up your issues. you will see from my post, there are gremlins i refuse to let out until i'm good and ready. i think given the magnitude of what you have to deal with, you may want to list out all the issues, focus on the important and/or small ones first, knock them off, that will boost your PMA, then move on to the rest.
for example, i notice you get concerned about ML every few days - are you REALLY ok with it, or do you think it is something you HAVE to do to save R? or some other historical baggage? we all have our perspectives, but you will need your own stand. this is way too personal to adopt a party line on. personally, i had some misgivings about ML with H while he was in a full blown PA, BUT, i enjoyed it, he enjoyed it, and it kept us emotionally bonded through the turbulence. i don't think OW knew we were ML every day, so it gave my PMA a major boost. nitaf - know thyself. remember, love is a decision, and once you make and accept the decision, it liberates you to move on with confidence.
history is something we all have to come to terms with - dbing really helps put a framework in place to handle emotions in a much more constructive and mature manner. so there were mistakes in the past. if H sees you letting go graciously, how will he respond?
but, i still maintain, they may be better handled one at a time. sort of drags out the process, but hey, are you going anywhere soon? baby steps, baby steps. lots of love and hugs, slowly
