This is going to be a long one. I have some srious things to consider.
H and I have been separated for 4mos. Communication has gotten better. When we are alone or he is visiting with our son @ our home it is not awkward. For some reason when we are around family we feel awkard. Why?
About the 1st 2 mos of separation he vowed not ML w/me because of the rejection he felt from me always saying no when he was home. He felt it was phony.Then 1 day he just comes on to me out of the blue and it happens... 2 weeks later he say let's get a D! The 1st 2 mos I called myself DBing but I really wasn't. I would back off for a week and then say ,are you coming home. Basically the 1st to months I was needy and unattractive. Once he made the D statement, I totally backed off. I didn't call him for 7 days straight. When his # came up on the Caller ID, I told S daddy is calling for you and he would answer the call. I wouldn't even give him the pleasure of hearing my voice! at the end of the 7 days , S says daddy said to call him. About 20 mins go by and he calls my cell. I said, what's up? He said, Let's just go and get the D so we can get on with our lives.( maybe a knee jerk reaction because he was upset that i hadn't called for 7 days acting needy! It almost seems that act like they don'twant that behavior but they do! I said if you want a D then go file! He say , will you sign? I said, If you want D, then file. He says ok. That was 1.5 mos ago, no talk of D.
Since then I have really began DBING. I call only to return his calls or once in a while to say hello. A couple of backslides here and there but mostly on the up and up. We have ML about 2x's a week since then. We don't date outside of the house i should say.It is very common for H to be @ home w/son. He has dinner w/us a couple of time a week. He washes his clothes at our house. He still has key and feels comfy going in and out of fridge or whatever else he wants to do.
This week my S is on spring break and @ Mil's, which is where H is staying for now. Tuesday, my S had a B-ball game@7pm.He beat me back to our house. He was washing clothes when I got there. They ate and stayed until about 10:45pm.
Weds, I am out to dinner with his cousin, he calls my cell and says what are you doing? I told him. He said he wanted to see me. I said I will call when I get home. I get home he is there waiting for me. We ML . I do it!!!!!
Now, here is the thing. My H and I have trust issues. He had a PA. I had an EA. He only suspects but I never admitted per advice of counselor. I am willing to start from today and leave the past behind. He wants to hold on to it and said that he will never trust me again and that is why he suggested D. Why did he @ 1 time tell me I should have been over his A, he can not get over mine !?
Ok, the other thing is I find myself making myself available to him sexually for 2 reason. 1. I rejected him so much while he was at home because of built up resentments. 2. When there are trust issues, I don't want to confirm his fears by missing in action too much or unavailable. Are these valid concerns? How do I find a balance? Has anyone had this experience?
The other thing is there has been no R talk in about 1.5 months, no begging,persuing or asking if there is an OW. I don't know how I pull it off because it is hard but I manage. Each time I resist the urge, it gets easier not to give in to it the next time.
Boundaries? He comes and goes with a key. He pays mortgage, car note and car insurance. I know my H as being controlling and see this as way to make sure he can basically feel in control. The feeling of power he prabably has right now with the ball in his court is probably giving him multiple orgasms!LOL
I think that the reason he is finding a reason to come by everyday this week is that he is uncomfortable with me not having to be tied down to S this week. Wants to know where I am and what I am doing. I think he has to get use to having him every other weekend to realize that I have a life other than entetaining S on weekend!
He said yesterday that he wants to give S B-Ball team a cookout @ our home. They won the citywide championship. I said ok. he then says, but i don't know since...trails off. I said well it is fine to have it @ home. I just called you to give you info about the date circus is coming to town and price of tickets. I will talk w/u later. I think he wanted to say since I am not living there. You eat, wash clothes, cook and ml here, and you are comfortable enuff to be here waiting for me when I get home so why need permisiion to have BBQ. I can DB my butt off that day.
I feel like I am on punishment for bad behavior or something. We had a falling out 10 years ago, similar to this and this seems like the same exact progression. We separated, didn't speak at all, started Ml ans somehow ended up back together and married!!!!! I am ashamed to say that I persecuted him for a long time about his A because I did not understand that forgiveness does not persecute,seek revenge or keep counts of wrongs. Forgiveness seeks reconciliation.
Ml is very important to H but I don't think he get the emotional part because he is a wee bit immature. I think he has low self esteem and Ml maakes him feel like he is great. I understand that all men equate self value with feeling desired in bedroom but H's perception is just a little skewed to me. He doesn't understand why the ML is not happening. which is due to the emotional distance caused by us detaching because of his initial A and my retalitory A.
I am just stuck as to what actions to take next. I need help. any suggestions
2 weeks later he say let's get a D! The 1st 2 mos I called myself DBing but I really wasn't. I would back off for a week and then say ,are you coming home. Basically the 1st to months I was needy and unattractive. Once he made the D statement, I totally backed off. I didn't call him for 7 days straight. When his # came up on the Caller ID, I told S daddy is calling for you and he would answer the call. I wouldn't even give him the pleasure of hearing my voice! at the end of the 7 days , S says daddy said to call him. About 20 mins go by and he calls my cell. I said, what's up? He said, Let's just go and get the D so we can get on with our lives.( maybe a knee jerk reaction because he was upset that i hadn't called for 7 days acting needy! It almost seems that act like they don'twant that behavior but they do! I said if you want a D then go file! He say , will you sign? I said, If you want D, then file. He says ok. That was 1.5 mos ago, no talk of D.
!?
