As my DB coach has stated, get her to negotiate with me. Although she has seen changes in me, I have seen changes in her also. Although it may not seem that negotiating is the right thing to do, it has drawn her back to the marital home to do her duty as a mother even though it may not be full time.
Negotiate what?
I am wondering if you are misunderstanding something we have said.
I understand negotiations. I went back to read your post about your W again. I saw no negotiations. I saw her telling you how it would be, period. Maybe you left part of it out, but I didn't see where you were telling her anything. I didn't see where she was agreeing to anything. What was negotiated? She told you she had to have her weekends free to go back to Canada. I didn't see the two of you really reconciling, she shed some tears and the two of you had sex, and she just told you how things would be.
Listen Jim, I have been active on this board for nine years, and I have watched WW's twist things around and make the LBH feel that he is guilty for breaking up the family and all the while she is the one who is wayward and living as though she is not a married lady and the mother of children! Look at this:
Quote:
At this point she is still very angry with me as she continues to blame me for keeping her away from her baby and states she will never forgive me for that. How do you get someone to forgive?
She left without her baby, did she not? That was the choice she made! She was willing to break apart the children! Now she is telling you that she will never forgive you for keeping her away from her baby? All she had to do was go home! And you immediately act as though it is all your fault and wanting her to forgive you. That's odd, b/c at the time, you thought you were doing what was best, didn't you? So why, now, are you willing to cow down and act guilty, especially when she says she will NEVER forgive you? Let me tell you something very important here.....this woman will hold that over your head from here on out! Are you real sure you want to live in that for the rest of your life? If she has warned before she even gets back into the house, then you can expect it to be worse after she's come home.
Look, nobody here is trying to prevent you and your W from negotiating on logistics. She doesn't have to stay with you as your W. She can stay in the same town, and be there for her kids and get therapy. She didn't have to have sex with you, either, if she was just there for the sake of the kids. Tears and sex, oh boy! Works like a charm.
So, what part of all this was your negotiation?
Did you really read those links Cadet sent you?
My suggestion is to get your head on straight, and tell her you think the two of you went a little fast and need to talk and think some more about what will be expected if she moves back into the home.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
