What the heck is this?

[2Times2Many]

I'm feeling somewhat better today. At least I'm not kicking myself any longer for being too agreeable with something before thinking it out. But it's something I definitely need to work on.

I was also somewhat disappointed that I said anything at all to h about the whole thing because I feared it would look like I was acting jealous or controlling or whatever way he could take that. But I think that maybe it wasn't a bad thing.

I've given him the freedom to live his life and take his journey and I've tried so hard not to interfere, but maybe my questions about that sitch let him know that there are still limitations to what I find acceptable. I know somewhere deep inside that fog he still cares for me and loves me, and I know he values my opinion on other things, so maybe it was not a bad thing to question his motives.

Sometimes I envy the LBSs that have regular contact with their MLCer because they can get a better feel for what is going on. It's sort of like the being forewarned is forearmed, I suppose.

Then other times I feel like being so much in the dark about what h is up to allows me to stay in a more protected place that shields me. The problem with that is there are then a massive amount of missing pieces that my mind tries to fill in and it's a battle to not let the mind go off on wild tangents.

Recent happenings ...

On the phone on Monday h was apologizing for sending the red dress pictures. I didn't expect that and didn't quite know what to say so I kind of stumbled around a bit. Later that evening I sent a text and told him I didn't quite understand why he felt he needed to apologize for the pictures. I told him that I appreciated his sharing them with me (thanks, Job) and I was glad he had fun. I told him to take it from someone who embraces her wackiness ... that sometimes being a little nutty was just what the doctor ordered. I also told him that if he was concerned about who I may show the pics to, that who he decided to share that adventure with was entirely up to him and that I wouldn't be showing them to anyone.

He replied that he was apologizing for hurting my eyes with those ugly men dressed like women.

I tend to agree with Bright (I think it was Bright) ... that whole group looks like a MLCer convention!

Yesterday I got a text that was an article about a famous violinist who played several famous pieces by Bach or Brahms or someone (can't remember) on a violin worth 3.5 million at a metro station. The gist of the article was about how people basically ignored him as they rushed by to go about their busy lives. The writer asked how much of life do we miss while were rushing about to meet deadlines, etc. It ended by saying, "Live life NOW. It has an expiry date."

H didn't comment except to say it was a good read.

I replied that I agreed with the article and that although people have to provide themselves a living and prepare and plan for the future, you can't make that the sole focus of your life. I said I thought we both stopped "living" and allowed our priorities to get messed up ... at least I did. I ended by saying it was fortunate that it wasn't too late to live our lives and it wasn't to late to enjoy our lives. We didn't get a chance to go any further into that.

For some time prior to BD the business was h's sole focus. I worked at it as long as I could because it was so important to him, but came to a point that I felt like I had no life beyond work. I told him I wanted to off-load some of my duties and take a lesser role. I think that is what launched him into hardcore replay and the A. He even accused me of trying to abandon him (along with all the other horrible things I had done).

Funny, NOW he sees the negative impact of living to work vs working to live. He's just gone overboard in the other direction!

On the phone today I got a rundown on what he would be doing for the next few days. He is doing that more and more. I know he is trying to at least give the impression he's being more open about his "other" life, but it's always what isn't said, isn't it? My mind always goes to ... I wonder what's being left out?

My gut tells me that he now considers me to be a friend and he's being a little more open about his life there (at least as much as he doesn't want to keep hidden) and even talks about things that he finds annoying or bothersome. I see that as a positive because for the longest time he went to great lengths not to let me know anything except how great his life was there.

Unfortunately, he has to move out of his apt. due to some construction and is signing a lease for his new place. Obviously, life there remains preferable at this point. Still a long way to go.

Sorry this was so long.