Rotts, Halo, anita, db, Thanks for checking up on me.I was off yesterday.I didn't say that he said he wnt M. I said he says and does things like he wants M but won't come out and say it. I wish he would come out and sy that.
My H's birthday was Satuurday. He came over at about 6:30am. I made him breakfast and a cake.I didn't know wether to get him a general card or something that said H. I decided well he still H so I got a card that said for my H.I amde sure it was nothing mushy but funny.(180 for me)I was upstairs when he read the card.He bust out laughing and said thanks for the card. This is really nice.That was sweat off my brow.
I got some discouraging news this weekend. MIL said H asked her to co-sign for a 10,000 loan so he can buy another house! She said no! It made me fell really discouraged. I feel like he has no intentions on coming home. All of this is in vain. I feel like he is not confused. He is just being nice but his mind is made up already! I feel tired. I don't want to fight this battle alone anymore. I understand that I made mistakes buy why do i have to be under the gun. He made mistakes too. Why are my mistakes so much worse than his? Why does he get to punish me untl he feels that I have learned a lesson. That is how I feel. It is like he never did anything wrond and I never did anything right. It just hurt so bad.
I know that I was not the easiest person in the world to live with. I know that I didn't make changes when I should have. I did the best I could do with what I knew at that time. In hind sight I see so many mistakes that we both made. I wish he would get off his high horse and realize that a M doesn't crumble by the actions of 1 but 2. I want so badly to ask him if there is someone else but I know that will just set me back. He will deny anyway. He has thus far!
I know I sound down but that is how I am feeling today.
Rotts, Halo, anita, db, I wanted so badly to say, do you want a %$&^ D or not? I know that putting his back up against the wall will only hurt me. He will say whatever he thinks is easiest right now and D seems easier than working on R.
Ironically his cousin called me last nite. We haven't spoke in about 1year and I was feeling her in on what was going on. She said, Her and her H had been going through the same thing. They had been separating off and on. SHe filed for D. He didn't sign. They dismissed it. They are back together! What great news. Nitaf
They use t be close but we lost touch about 1 yr ago. She suggested that her and her H come by and just start to talk about what they have been going through in front of him. She would pretend that she didn't know what was going on w/us? What do you guys think?
Do you think I need to set boundaries about him having a key and coming in and out but not fully committing? It is becoming too good to him. He can have family and be free!I also think he needs to committ to having S atleast every other weekend.ARGHHH
Good questions. I think if they came over and maybe if her H talked to your H alone. Your H may open up more than if it comes from the W.
I have the same questions about boundaries. Wiley says that the WAS needs to feel that they have "lost" the LBS. That will hopefully open their eyes. I think it is ok for him to have a key. He should have time with his S alone. He needs to see what it will be like if you were to D and see how much he likes it then.
belly dancing sounds so cool! but take it for yourself, not H. I agree, have the wife of the cousin start the conversation and see what happens, hopefully your h won't think that you spilled the beans about his relationship with you. WAS do need to feel what it is like to loose the family. You could set boundaries about visiting the house without actually requiring the key back. Have you filed for separation yet? I can't remember.
Nitaf- im here for you girl but IMO I do not think it is a good idea for another person to give WAH a "good talking to"! Think back to your childhood, Junior high or High School. Didn't you hate it and even resent it when your principal, drill team coach, favorite teacher or who ever got onto you about your actions and such? I hope you are following me but I believe this is not a good idea. If he is anything like my WAH the last thing he wants or need is for someone else to tell him how he screwed up. Xh and I have talked about this type of thing and he said when my BIL would talk to him about our R it made him feel like salt was being poured into an open wound and made him not want our R & M that much more. I hope this helps by giving you another point of view. On the key subject I think its a good baby step that he wants a key!! Hugs and prayers
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Quote: Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.
It's been said many times on this BB. That's because it's wise advice.
My H said he would never love me again, never feel anything but cold for me. Now he has changed his tune.
Don't make a big deal out of it, it will only create friction later when he has to change his mind and make it 'your' (shared) computer. The more you point out as inconsistent, the more work he has to do to save face later.
Nitaf, this is very good advice from Rottzilla. The more mess we create now, the more there is to clear up later!
I am slowly learning to just ignore certain remarks, NOT make a big deal of every little thing and try not to read something significant into everything either, although their behaviour can certainly be puzzling!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
This is going to be a long one. I have some srious things to consider.
H and I have been separated for 4mos. Communication has gotten better. When we are alone or he is visiting with our son @ our home it is not awkward. For some reason when we are around family we feel awkard. Why?
About the 1st 2 mos of separation he vowed not ML w/me because of the rejection he felt from me always saying no when he was home. He felt it was phony.Then 1 day he just comes on to me out of the blue and it happens... 2 weeks later he say let's get a D! The 1st 2 mos I called myself DBing but I really wasn't. I would back off for a week and then say ,are you coming home. Basically the 1st to months I was needy and unattractive. Once he made the D statement, I totally backed off. I didn't call him for 7 days straight. When his # came up on the Caller ID, I told S daddy is calling for you and he would answer the call. I wouldn't even give him the pleasure of hearing my voice! at the end of the 7 days , S says daddy said to call him. About 20 mins go by and he calls my cell. I said, what's up? He said, Let's just go and get the D so we can get on with our lives.( maybe a knee jerk reaction because he was upset that i hadn't called for 7 days acting needy! It almost seems that act like they don'twant that behavior but they do! I said if you want a D then go file! He say , will you sign? I said, If you want D, then file. He says ok. That was 1.5 mos ago, no talk of D.
Since then I have really began DBING. I call only to return his calls or once in a while to say hello. A couple of backslides here and there but mostly on the up and up. We have ML about 2x's a week since then. We don't date outside of the house i should say.It is very common for H to be @ home w/son. He has dinner w/us a couple of time a week. He washes his clothes at our house. He still has key and feels comfy going in and out of fridge or whatever else he wants to do.
This week my S is on spring break and @ Mil's, which is where H is staying for now. Tuesday, my S had a B-ball game@7pm.He beat me back to our house. He was washing clothes when I got there. They ate and stayed until about 10:45pm.
Weds, I am out to dinner with his cousin, he calls my cell and says what are you doing? I told him. He said he wanted to see me. I said I will call when I get home. I get home he is there waiting for me. We ML . I do it!!!!!
Now, here is the thing. My H and I have trust issues. He had a PA. I had an EA. He only suspects but I never admitted per advice of counselor. I am willing to start from today and leave the past behind. He wants to hold on to it and said that he will never trust me again and that is why he suggested D. Why did he @ 1 time tell me I should have been over his A, he can not get over mine !?
Ok, the other thing is I find myself making myself available to him sexually for 2 reason. 1. I rejected him so much while he was at home because of built up resentments. 2. When there are trust issues, I don't want to confirm his fears by missing in action too much or unavailable. Are these valid concerns? How do I find a balance? Has anyone had this experience?
The other thing is there has been no R talk in about 1.5 months, no begging,persuing or asking if there is an OW. I don't know how I pull it off because it is hard but I manage. Each time I resist the urge, it gets easier not to give in to it the next time.
Boundaries? He comes and goes with a key. He pays mortgage, car note and car insurance. I know my H as being controlling and see this as way to make sure he can basically feel in control. The feeling of power he prabably has right now with the ball in his court is probably giving him multiple orgasms!LOL
I think that the reason he is finding a reason to come by everyday this week is that he is uncomfortable with me not having to be tied down to S this week. Wants to know where I am and what I am doing. I think he has to get use to having him every other weekend to realize that I have a life other than entetaining S on weekend!
He said yesterday that he wants to give S B-Ball team a cookout @ our home. They won the citywide championship. I said ok. he then says, but i don't know since...trails off. I said well it is fine to have it @ home. I just called you to give you info about the date circus is coming to town and price of tickets. I will talk w/u later. I think he wanted to say since I am not living there. You eat, wash clothes, cook and ml here, and you are comfortable enuff to be here waiting for me when I get home so why need permisiion to have BBQ. I can DB my butt off that day.
I feel like I am on punishment for bad behavior or something. We had a falling out 10 years ago, similar to this and this seems like the same exact progression. We separated, didn't speak at all, started Ml ans somehow ended up back together and married!!!!! I am ashamed to say that I persecuted him for a long time about his A because I did not understand that forgiveness does not persecute,seek revenge or keep counts of wrongs. Forgiveness seeks reconciliation.
Ml is very important to H but I don't think he get the emotional part because he is a wee bit immature. I think he has low self esteem and Ml maakes him feel like he is great. I understand that all men equate self value with feeling desired in bedroom but H's perception is just a little skewed to me. He doesn't understand why the ML is not happening. which is due to the emotional distance caused by us detaching because of his initial A and my retalitory A.
I am just stuck as to what actions to take next. I need help. any suggestions
2 weeks later he say let's get a D! The 1st 2 mos I called myself DBing but I really wasn't. I would back off for a week and then say ,are you coming home. Basically the 1st to months I was needy and unattractive. Once he made the D statement, I totally backed off. I didn't call him for 7 days straight. When his # came up on the Caller ID, I told S daddy is calling for you and he would answer the call. I wouldn't even give him the pleasure of hearing my voice! at the end of the 7 days , S says daddy said to call him. About 20 mins go by and he calls my cell. I said, what's up? He said, Let's just go and get the D so we can get on with our lives.( maybe a knee jerk reaction because he was upset that i hadn't called for 7 days acting needy! It almost seems that act like they don'twant that behavior but they do! I said if you want a D then go file! He say , will you sign? I said, If you want D, then file. He says ok. That was 1.5 mos ago, no talk of D.
!?