Back again 8 years later

[JujuB]

Hi

Do you legally have to financially support wife's new apartment and lifestyle? Is that the plan?

Can you give more info about why she left first time and how did she come back? Was there OM involved first time?

[daybyday]

JujuB, no not legally as no divorce preceedings were started or formal separation agreements were drawn up. But as she does not have much income, I am kind of in a bad spot so I will help.

Umm, the first time, there was EA only (that I can confirm). It was the same type of thing then except the latest go around, i can see how she got tothis point. The first time was totally baffling. Itwas prolly because OM was in pic. When I confirmed and confronted and said no more, it seemed like she slowly made a commit and things drastically improved for a good while.

This time I don't see those signs like the last. But, all of this is just a big educated guessing game isnt it? I would appreciate any input you have.

[Cristy]

Hello daybyday,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It would appear that your wife has been cake eating. She enjoys the family stuff, insists she wants her independence from you via separation, and you are currently willing to pay for the apartment you don't want her to get. Of course she is going to send you mixed signals. She wants to keep you as plan B or as a safety net.

If she wants to get an apartment, she should have to pay for it. If she wants to be separated, she needs to do the work and deal with the expense. Not so easy for her now, is it?

That doesn't mean you need to be a jerk about it. In fact, be neighborly. No more relationship talk of any kind and certainly don't ask her any questions about her moving out plans. It is time for you to focus on being the best daybyday and dad that only a fool would leave.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[CWOL]

I will also add that wife has never lived on her own. Among other things it seems like it sounds attractive to her to do so. To be the working single parent gal. She has never been apart from me or our son for more than a weekend or so. With our custody verbal agreement, it would be every other week we get son for 5 days. I have resigned myself to the fact that she wants to move out on her own. She asked if I was going to help pay for place. I really have no choice as she is not actively pursuing the divorce at this time. She has made it clear that she wants one, but sends me mixed messages such as kissing me goodbye, reminisceing about some good times fondly, even when we were talking about her moving out, she asked "and date each other?" I said not necessarily. But, what if I wanted to date you? She smiled and said, "what if"?. I don't know if deep down she is waiting to see if I can indeed get my stuff together again to her satisfaction or if she is just guilty and being nice with the bad news. She is just so closed off to any thinking of making it work. She claims she has thought about our son, but I am not sure she has. I have never cheated on her or even thought about it. Very loyal, hardworking, but like anyone have faults to work on. Laziness has brought me back to loneliness again. I fear this is two strikes and she's out. She asked me " what if when we separate that I find out that I love it?" I said, "well at least I will be in a better place too" As I stated earlier, we were haaving a good time the other night, had a few beers together and were watching a moving when I noticed she was on her phone scrolling like crazy. so I asked her watch she was looking at? She said, "rentals" and then put her phone down abruptly. I thought we were enjoying each others company again but she clearly had her mind on the door. What to do next?Help.

Wow, your situation is eerily similar to mine. My WW went from her parents' house to my house when we got married. She has never lived on her own. Somehow the OM convinced her it is a good idea to leave me. She already file for D so I gave her money to get her own place. It was a hard check to write.

[daybyday]

Thanks Cristy. When I say I am paying for her place, we have a joint account so technically it is both of our money. But if she is hell-bent on separation, if I push back on this, doesnt that seal my fate? I don't disagree though that she should feel the responsibility of it all. I do plan on becoming an awesome daybyday.

[CWOL]

Thanks Cristy. When I say I am paying for her place, we have a joint account so technically it is both of our money. But if she is hell-bent on separation, if I push back on this, doesnt that seal my fate? I don't disagree though that she should feel the responsibility of it all. I do plan on becoming an awesome daybyday.

I would start moving your cash NOW to your individual account and not wait until she files for divorce. She might clean you out before she files. I did that so I was protected, WW has to petition the court in order to get at the money. It made it almost impossible for her to get the apartment except for the fact that my MIL lent her the money.

In the end, after talking to people they feel it was best for her to experience the outside world. And the court would give her the cash anyway so I just wrote a check to fund her.

[JujuB]

I don't understand these WW. They have the nicest guys and they are unfaithful... crazy thing is my husband once told me he could forgive me for an affair but not for what I did (criticized and complained...mostly cause I was frusturated) why is it that the nice guys rarely end up with the loyal girls and vice versa?

Anyway, I agree that I would not finance her apartment. Why do you want to enable her? It's not like she will respect you for it.

Can you go into more detail on what made her return the first time.

To be honest, I am mistrustfull of repeat offenders. I am mistrustfull and discouraged by them. It makes me fear that the few marriages that do get dB are doomed to have WAS leave again, cause it's in their personality to do so. How do others on here feel about that? I notice there are a quite a few posters on here that are doing this all a second time. Is this all for waste? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? Only next time we will be older and maybe in a worse position.

[Vapo]

DBD, protect yourself, redirect your pay into the separate account. Do not enable her. Oh how she will spew when you fight back. MAke her do the work for her divorce and make it clear to her. And no, being a "nice guy" will not make her see the error of her ways and fall madly in love with you. You actually not being a nice guy could actually save you a good 6 months or so of your time, before you come to the conclusion yourself...

Also do not go fooling yourself (again) that just because it was (only) an EA, that you are somehow ahead. Women take EA's dead serious and if she's allowed herself to EA, that means you are out of the picture (a woman cannot "feel" for 2 men at the same time). Any bull$hit from her that she's confused and she needs time is just that, bull$hit, and it gives us blokes hope, but in all reality they are just messing with our heads.

Cut her off. Cut her off finacially, emotionally and securitywise. She will in all likelihood want to be your friend after the divorce. WTF? No friggin way am I going to be friends after the divorce. Friendly for the sake of the kids yes, but friends?!? No way Jose!

[Vapo]

And Thornton buddy, I think that deep down you know that when she left in 2013 and then returned, she just paused dealing with hes $[censored] and now she is back at it.

That's why you do not take them back too soon.

All the best buddy...

[daybyday]

I appreciate your posts i really do. It was actually my idea for a trial separation because she was ready for D right away. We are going to use a mediator. After our first trip there no movement towards that. So, I am not trying to be "nice guy" I will not let the separation go on indefinitely. Absolutely agree Vapo about being friends after D. Are you kidding? That take gall to even ask or expect. I guarantee if I start moving money, she is going to contemplate lawyer. I am trying to buy time. Why push the issue and ruin possible turnaround? Now if I find out EA or PA...Thats a different story.