Here again after 9 years and struggling 4

[Irish M]

1. He just wants some peace. (Me: I thought you'd had peace for the last 3 months, H: It doesn't feel like it). Note to self - go darker! Possibly do not be in same room when he visits?

Not sure if you not being in the room will change anything. You need to try different things, find out what works best for you. Not looking for him to show a reaction. If it helps you get through it then do it.

2. He thinks he is stepping up as a father right now! Very sad that he thinks how he treats them right now is being a good father. Note to self - need to remind myself constantly that H is not himself and this is as much as he can give right now.


yes he is not himself. He cant see what he is doing wrong or good. Hopefully he grows up and sees what he is doing and make clear actions to want to fix it.

3. H looks sad permanently, never smiles, still struggling to sleep, still angry all the time. Note to self - I am not the cause of this and I cannot make H see that he needs some help.

I too see this with my MLC'r. so much pain they feel and their struggle. You can see it in their eyes and face. You are not the cause nor are your children. Your H has to see there are consequences for his behavior. I don't think he's felt them yet.

4. H doesn't like it when I do things with kids without him knowing even though I know nothing about what he is up to when he's not here. Is this a sign that being dark is working?


It's you GAL and if it upsets him let it. He chose not to participate in the family. You and your kids are a family still, just H stepped out. Let him watch from the sidelines.

5. H wants me to do things with him and kids 'because the kids will want me to.' Is this really him wanting me to go but he can't say it as it would show some kind of softening on his part?


It might be him wanted you to go. I hope that's the case. It might be cake eating or maybe so you can handle the kids. Who knows. You can't question his actions or comments until he shows true remorse and wants to fix things.

6. I have felt happier the last few days since deciding to make a few changes in the house (decorative) without so much as a mention to H. Feel like I am taking some control of my own life back instead of feeling like I am thrashing about in H's ocean of chaos.


GAL right there. taking care of you and your family including the house. Make it your place. H will surely see this and he might comment on it and he might not. Since he's in the house he surely see's it

Keep on your path Inpain. I see a strong women slowly seeing what she needs to do to make it through this.

Hugs

Irish