Sandi's Reflections

[sandi2]

What 'should' be the response of a wife in a loving MR with a 'nice-guy type' husband when she sees him devolving into this person that she detests? What is her responsibility? Obviously this can be different in each MR...but couldn't a loving spouse elicit or respond to a husband in such a way as to foster change without having to go through this wayward nonsense? I mean, this just seems like such a shallow, empty, self-serving action this woman is taking...and we are all supposed to just say its okay because, "that's how women are?"

I mean, I get it. Like I said above, I accept my role in this fiasco. I know that I have been this 'coward'. I'm learning, just this week, to say that in fact, I've always been cowardly. And, for me, the only thing I can do is stand up and live my life moving forward in such a way as to become the best me I can be.

But...doesn't the WW share some responsibility? Perhaps not. Or at least, if she does, it shouldn't matter to me, because she has had my balls in a jar for the last 15 years. I just can't help but feel that what my WW has done is easily the most hurtful and disrespectful thing I could possibly imagine.

Bfice3, you ask a thought provoking question.....at least for me. If I had had instructions about how to deal with a nice-guy, passive husband when we were first M, maybe it would have saved a lot of heartache for both of us, IDK. I certainly did not respond correctly.

I don't know that it is the W's responsibility, but just as in DBing, her response can make a difference. I wonder how many average women know what to do with a passive husband. The trick is having a wife who is smart enough to take the initiative to find the information about passive-aggressive personalities and the nice-guy syndrome, and how to communicate/respond to them. I had never even heard of these terms, and I had no idea how to deal with my H, except to talk plainly about our problems. To him, I'm sure he mostly heard criticism, which just caused him to withdraw even more. The more he withdrew, the less he interacted with me, and the more frustrated and hurt I would become. Eventually, the resentment would win and I know the disrespect had to have shown through me....and I think it made me look mean. His passive, nice-guy ways certainly affected me, and I thought I tried everything. Apparently, I didn't.

In the material that was mostly out there that I would see (back in the day) about relationships, would tell the wife to accept her H as he was and not try to change him. That is still true today and we pass it along on the DB board. We can't control our spouse. However, as you said, our response or interaction can elicit a more positive behavior from them....if we just know the correct manner of response. I think one the problems for a wife who has a passive H is that her level of frustration makes it very difficult to remain calm, patient, and compassionate to what makes her H the way he is. If she's fortunate enough to know why he is passive-aggressive, then it may help her in how to approach him.

I read tons of material on marriage, b/c I knew my M had problems. However, it never occurred to me to read something about his personality traits or character temperament. I held a lot of resentment toward my H b/c I felt forced into having to take charge in everything from disciplining our kids to hurting my back b/c he would never move that heavy object. And if I asked more than once, then I was nagging. We were definitely wired differently! I could have the yard work completed, while he was still looking at it and drinking his morning coffee. I'm sure some people thought I was the controlling bad guy, while he managed to come out smelling like a rose, but truth be known, he was not putting anything into our relationship. So, I resented being the bad guy to my kids, and I resented others thinking he could do no wrong and everything was my fault.

He appears as a nice guy to everyone else, but then they don't have to live with him. He doesn't know how to express himself, and forget emotional intimacy (which is my real LL), or just come in and tell me about his day. His workday would be over and he didn't want to be bothered....at least that was how it appeared from my VP.

For the wife, it's pretty tough to be compassionate when you have resentment, however, the passive person usually needs to be approached with lots of compassion. If the wife approaches as though she's in attack mode....he will not react the way she wants, and things just get worse. So, if she wants to deal with the real issue that's at the bottom of a lot of their problems, she needs to research information about the nice-guy syndrome and see if her H fits that description. Then, she needs to research how to communicate effectively with a passive-aggressive personality. She can't be criticizing, demanding, accusing or blaming. He needs a positive approach. On a day to day basis, he needs her emotional support by praising him for what he does do, admire him as a man, and however she can help build up his self-esteem and confidence.

There are some short youtube bits on how to deal with passive people, and of course, books.

One last thing, I wanted to comment on this part, especially:

but couldn't a loving spouse elicit or respond to a husband in such a way as to foster change without having to go through this wayward nonsense?

Just to clarify, she is not going through this wayward nonsense to foster change in her H. He may think she's trying to make him do whatever she gave him as her excuse to end the M, but she is beyond caring if he changes. That's one of the issues, she has given up on him ever changing. She feels she did everything she knew to do, and he would not change for the better. She is wayward b/c she lost respect for him and her resentment grew bigger than the love. She feels he is to blame for her feeling the way she does.

Her waywardness is not his fault, nor his responsibility to change her. Neither is it her fault that he has the nice-guy passivity, nor her responsibility to change him.