Where I am...

[mahhhty]

Squiggy - I started my dream company! An Outdoor Adventure, Education, Rafting, Retail and Rental (SUP, Bikes and Kayak) Business. My website is Fantastic (if I do say so myself) and the online store are live. I am working to renovate 3 units in an old mill (which I am turning into a real estate play and will be renting one of the units to a New Brewery). It is a balancing act as I don't want to borrow any money (I can't afford to) and I need to buy more equipment, etc. However, my timing is perfect. I'm a major contributor to a small city revitalization project, in which the entire local economy and collective team (who are turning into my second family) are SUPER SUPER supportive. We are turning around an entire community and I love every second of it. I love the problem solving, working with people, the potential and the growth and challenge of it. Although I am maintaining my current job (to pay the bills, for stability and what not), I am sure my business will be able to support me by the end of 2016.

I don't talk much on this board about the things I enjoy in my life. I talk a lot more about the areas I don't like. I'm hard on myself and get upset when things don't change.

In regards to her, I've gone over and above with her, picking up the slack with the kids, offering my kidney, financially over extending myself to enable her, etc. Although I often tell people to read up on you and how you handled your situation, I rarely implement those areas in my own life with her.

I'm not leaving, but some of the ruts put me in a mood where I don't want to think about it or talk about it anymore. This last turn with the OM and XW's inclination to involve him with the kids troubles me. Especially with her being so close to her transplant date.

This last rut is b/c of my inability to completely distance her out of my mind, b/c of:
- we haven't had any conversations about D going into Kindergarten
- my S wants me to stand next to XW at soccer (he kept asking for me to stand next to Mom in the car on the way there, then when we were there he tried to pull me next to her), my D broke down and cried a week ago about us not being a family and Mom not coming home (she never ceases to amaze me, its been a year and she still remembers). They have some urge for us to have some sort of relationship however, we have not coparented on any level.
- she hasn't been upfront with me at any point or discussing with me in any way about the OM. I suspected him since day 1 and have proof from February (before papers were signed).
- she is getting this transplant and is on dialysis (3 days / wk) however, she drove the kids 6 hours away to see OM. Meanwhile her father who needs a transplant as well (and who isn't on dialysis) isn't driving into work on Tues and Thur b/c he is too tired. I don't understand her motivation... scratch that she is on the OM drug. But it sure seems that she is putting selfishness before all other things. Selfish and inconsiderate of the kids.

I'm educating myself about dealing with passive people and I've distanced myself as far as I can from her.

I need to do some assertive communication. I need to send her something about kindergarten soon and about off Fridays (the parenting plan says she is supposed to pick them up, but she never does).

Somehow this turned into a big post...

Squiggy - You know I value your opinion. Do you think there are things I should be doing that I am not?