Thanks Rotts. H does and says things like he wants the M but won't just come out and initiate R talk. Is this normal? We have been Separated 4 months. The 1st 3 were me just basically pressuring him to come home. About 2.5 months into it, he said , I want a D. I did a 360. No Talk of D since then. I ask no questions about possible OW. The more I don't ask the easier it becomes. I fight the urge and fell good about myself after i get past it.
I think he is pissed because he notices all of these changes and he can't find a valid reason to say let's get a D! He said why did it take me to leave for u to change. I told him there is growth from all crisis. Usually the best part of your M is after you get through the crisis. They say people who give up because of crisis never really get to experience the joy of a strong loving M because they run to avoid conflict.
One good thing, H never denies loving me. He says INLY,but ILY. We all know that The latter is what is important because IN LOve is only infatuation or lust of a sort.
Quote: H does and says things like he wants the M but won't just come out and initiate R talk. Is this normal?
Stay out of R talks!!! Why? - first - the odds are good you'll upset and emotional and he'll see it as pursuing. Think about trying to get a squirrel to eat out of your hand - if you chase it, it will run - second - when you have R talks he will feel guilty about what he's doing - he's confused and that's a really uncomfortable feeling - so he won't want to come back for more of that! If instead he equates seeing you with having FUN (in and out of the sack! ) he'll want to come back for more. And the more changes you can make, even little tiny ones, the more intrigued he'll be by the new "you".
Try changing your perfume, the way you style your hair, dress more the way you know he likes, take up a daring new sport, invite him to some really fun or adrenaline-filled activity.Be more fun, more sexy, more interesting than anybody else.
I started tennis lessons and will start Belly Dancing lessons on MOnday. Watch out now! Making myself busy, fun ,and sexy fro me 1st and him 2nd. Thanks for your input.
I am not sure why you'd be interested in my opinion, since I think I may have screwed up things royally the past couple of days, but I appreciate it nonetheless!
In many ways, it is easier to give advice to others than take it yourself - from my perspective (husband whose wife wants out and just gave in out of my sheer exhaustion and her unyielding belief that out is the solution), I think the advice you have received from others on your thread is right on. I can only echo some of the more familiar strains:
No pressure Have lots and lots of patience No R talks Just try to enjoy what interaction you do have
I do like the squirrel metaphor (if you want to have one eat out of your hand, don't chase it!).
I hope you can benefit from th emistakes I fear my impatience and frustration have caused.
Great idea - I think I will look for belly dancing course near me. Something I've always wanted to do.
I think you are doing fine, nitaf. No R talks, he sees your changes, you are doing things for you, his being upset with your changes is normal. I think all spouses think "why now, after I've made my mind up." It's their way of saying, "I just came to a very difficult decision in my life, to leave my spouse, and now they go and change and I have to rethink my decision. Why couldn't they have done that years ago and saved me from all this heartache?" Yikes, how would you feel in their shoes.
Keep doing what you are doing, it seems to be working. Remember, patience. Baby steps is what you will see, not giant leaps.
rott-I think your right. After years in my m of begging to go the c and work on things I get nothing. then 3 yr of being d--it costed my $6,000 to d this guy, I'm not done paying my d off and now he agrees that we should go to seek c--its so maddening!!!!!!!!
nitaf- I think you are doing the right things. Way to go!!
(((((nitaf))))) I know it must be difficult for you to not initiate R talk but it seems to me you are doing a wonderful job. I think its great H tells you he wants M!! This is a huge step. One more wall just came down. Hurray for you!!
hugs and prayers,
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Hi nitaf, just read your sitch...whats' up today? I think you have some great things going....your H saying he wants the M is fantastic. Belly dancing lessons sound fantastic! I wonder if I can find some out here in the sticks?
) he'll want to come back for more. And the more changes you can make, even little tiny ones, the more intrigued he'll be by the new "you".