surrealism is not my style

[ciluzen]

Feeling quite low again. I will keep DBing, despite what I'm hearing from others IRL.

I just am starting to doubt the small changes I think I'm seeing in H. Everyone keeps telling me his mind is made up, move on. He's just a nice guy and is treating me nicely or that he's being nice out of guilt. He has said a few times that he wants to be friends, but I'm pretty sure he won't treat me like he treats his friends. He doesn't just call to chat or hang out. So, I don't believe that. Besides ,how do you just turn off love and intimacy?

By analyzing each interaction, I'm failing at detaching, but there is something in me that fears letting go. I see that he sees some of my changes, but is that ever going to be enough to turn him back? I know these changes are for me and they have helped, but still...my goal really is to R. My Ds both have said to focus on me and stop thinking of H. They are pretty confused about their dad's behavior, too, but they are telling me to just stop worrying about him. I know they are right.

My interactions with my L shook me up. That fear of HUGE change in my life rather than this limbo (bad enough) almost have me paralyzed with fear. Going back to school for a more advanced degree at this point in my life is daunting. So much time. Added stress. Moving into a new place, FINDING a new place, packing up and repairing this house for sale, selling a lot of our stuff....so much to do.

I read about others doing this on here all of the time. How do you find the energy to completely reinvent yourself at a time you thought you would be preparing for your "golden years" with the person you loved? I remember joking with H after my Ds wedding this summer, "one down and one to go...then we'll finally be alone!". That must have sent the fear of God through his heart!

Sorry for the venting, just really feeling anxious right now about the reality of the D process.