Stepping in a Different Direction

[Zues126]

Divorce is just as real of a loss. Right now you aren't divorced. Your marriage is sick. You're no where near in a spot to be either single or at peace.

So I'd urge you to commit to the 1 year rule, to look at all of your desires to go find happiness elsewhere as a sign of where you need to grow, and to stand by your vows like you expected him to. Act with the character you wish he had. If you can't, it's not fair to expect him to.

Sometimes I think, who are these people that would get involved with a married person?

Then I think, who are these people that would get involved with OP when they are married?

But I always go back to, who are these people that would allow themselves to remain emotionally attached to a married person that would get involved with OP?

Zues, these are both quotes that you wrote very recently. Don't the parts highlighted in blue contradict each other? In one you're telling Feyth to stand by her man as if he were sick. This written from the standpoint of someone who doesn't think think people should get divorced and should just wait it out and hope the WAS comes back. The other statement is written as if you think that waiting for someone that is cheating on you is means that there must be something wrong with you. That sounds like it's written by someone that thinks once someone cheats on you it's an absolute dealbreaker. Just looking for some clarity on your thoughts here.

If your spouse hasn't divorced you, hit you, or cheated, I don't believe divorce is the answer. A lifelong commitment is a lifelong commitment. You don't get a mulligan because you changed your mind on what you wanted in life, you decided you deserve more, or you feel short changed. And if that means your partner goes on a 5 year journey in which they don't know if they want to be married, or if your partner stops having sex for a few years, or if they just don't meet your needs...tough. Step up, do what you believe is right, and be happy for what you have. It's unreal how everyone in our society agrees with this until it's THEM not getting what they want, then it's all different.

If a spouse hits you, cheats, or divorces you, you aren't bound to them. Those aren't always absolute deal breakers, but they release us from any obligation.

But regardless of the reasons for the separation, whether it legitimizes divorce or not, whether you decide to stand by the marriage or not...I think the same advice applies. Detach. Move forward with your life. Meet your emotional needs on your own through GAL. And be appreciative for what you have.

In fact, if you do this it almost doesn't matter if you're standing by your marriage or not. Whether you're waiting for WAS to come out of the fog, or getting divorced and working on accepting that...either way, the first couple of years should look about the same. It shouldn't be about chasing after WAS, nor trying to rebound into something else so you don't have to deal with those troublesome feelings of loss while you try to photoshop your new partner into your life.

So to those tired of being in limbo, and angry that they aren't getting what they feel entitled to, I say suck it up and don't steer your life by your emotions. And to those who are emotionally attached and clinging to a WAS that is mistreating them, I say let them go and take care of yourself.

The funny part is it's all driven by the same thing, neediness. Those clinging want their needs met by WAS. Those rushing to the D want their needs met by their next partner. But it's all about needing something from a partner and being angry for not getting what we feel like we deserve. If people could grow up and lose the entitlement and accept that we don't always get what we want when we want it, we'd not only find some peace in all of this...we'd be on our way to becoming a spouse only a fool would leave. Because the root of most marital problems come from bad behavior, which comes from resentment, which comes from expectations, which comes from selfishness. When Cadet posts "NO EXPECTATIONS" it is truly because this is key to detachment which is the foundation for a mature love, which knows both commitment...and boundaries.