Started off in the morning with H asking me what I thought about him getting a motorcycle. He made a comment like "I don't want you to think I'm having an MLV but..." And I said to him "I don't think you should care about my opinion on that stuff"
Ugh. I don't know why I went there - such a B thing for me to say but I was just so taken aback. This man never wanted one, he used to think they're stupid, dangerous etc. That really threw my day into a tail spin.
He snapped at me over being indecisive so that's a 180 I'll be working on. He asked something and I said "whatever you want is fine" and he got frustrated. He just wanted me to make or accept his decision. So, that's a good 180 for me to work on just for the future for myself. I hate that same thing when people say "whatever you want" because it's pressure to make the right decision for someone else. Aside from making the right decisions for D4 I don't want to make decisions for anyone else anymore.
I moped. I pouted the whole ride. I just couldn't wrap my head around this whole situation I'm in. This doesn't look like my life - I feel like I don't recognize him, or myself. None of it. I hate it, truly...
I was upset last night - he asked me if I was okay. I said no, that I still had feelings for him. I told him on the ride I didn't want to like him because he said something that just made me swoon, something stupid about planning for dinner at the hotel but it was something he had never done before. I don't want to like him like I do, romantically. I told him how I felt and he just looked at me.
Then I just had to address it - don't ask me how I feel and then just stare at me when I tell you.
Ultimately, he told me again. Everything. He even asked how many times he has to tell me, and I said as many times as I need to hear it (regret saying that, as of this morning I am done with R or past anything talk. It's dead and done).
Essentially, he doesn't see me changing. He doesn't see happiness with me. He can't give me what I need and have the career he wants. He doesn't want to try because he doesn't see happiness. I'm just not the one anymore. He admitted to not being a good husband and just an okay dad. He said even if we did stay together it wouldn't change because of his job and what he wants for his life. He kept saying it's not my fault. That our relationship lost its thrill years ago...
Rewriting history? Possibly. I don't know. It's how he feels, I can't really deny that.
After that conversation, I took a few minutes to gather my feelings. I listened to him. I could see it, I could feel it. There's just nothing left...in his eyes, his heart. Just empty. The man I loved so much is not there anymore, and this person here...is not the one for me.
I went and talked to him and told him, we can do this as friends. I won't do this anymore, kidding myself, working for a miracle. I just won't keep that hope alive. We began as friends, grew as lovers and are going to remain friends for what I hope would be the rest of our lives. I believe that, even with him as my STBXH. We talked a bit about his support system, how they helped him make this decision. One of his friends just went through a divorce but he said that this friend helped him see that he couldn't just shove his feelings down anymore. He would have, and I would have been able to fix all of this had he done that...but...I don't think he would have really changed in the process, and I didn't want to be the only one doing the work. His friends also think he's crazy for being willing to support me so I can get my LPN, but it means he benefits by us using that money to pay off debt. I'm just glad he's making these decisions for himself, and the support he has is helping him work through it.
I know I haven't been truly happy either, and I know I'm not just feeling this way because he does. I was the WAW first. I walked away because I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel wanted or appreciated. I didn't feel much other than friendship. I wanted a relationship that was more than a friendship with him, I wanted to be more than someone who just took care of the kids, cleaned the house, held down the fort. I want to be cared for, I want someone do to nice things for me like make me coffee in the morning. You know, H did that for me once...before I got up, I remember it like it was yesterday. It was Easter. I was so happy, it made me so happy to know he thought about me enough to do that for me. Those little things. Holidays. All of these things I said weren't important turned out to be, especially when your relationship doesn't exist. Especially when you're desperate for attention, for love. I know that he tried, but it was empty. I know he stopped truly loving me years ago, because he truly stopped caring to know me as we grew.
Now I'm here. Past denial into acceptance of the fact that I need to DB, 180 as much as I can for MYSELF. I don't see things changing. I don't see us being a success story. I know as I change he'll think that it's because we're better as friends than together but I still will take advantage of the time that I'm given, to improve for myself.
I woke up this morning feeling good. I'm ready to tackle this new life. Ready to move forward, to create a friendship with a man I believe to be a good person despite the rockiness of the past couple of months. I see where I went wrong clearly - hindsight is 20/20. Now, I'm focusing on the future. On my future. On D4s future. I did this a year alone, I did it and more than survived. I thrived. That's a sign. I don't need anyone.
