B's Bootcamp v3

[RosaLinda]

I think Vanilla means the signature, on the bottom of your post. To keep it updated. I may or may not update mine to change my age to 64 this fall, sigh.... Thanks for posting all that stuff about your family of origin. It all contributes, and helps us to see and understand you better.

Lastly...I want to say, the big thing. The things that made me break down from Vanilla's post is the fact that I think I may have realized for the first time...truly...that the faults in my marriage really do stem from me in many ways. Yes, my WW has many faults that I and my children can see. But...so do I. And, I need to worry less about her faults. Worry less about who's to blame. Worry less about why she is doing this...and I need to simply focus on me. I know it keeps getting said here over and over...and I will probably forget it over and over...but I need to accept my faults...and openly admit and address them...or else I will never be able to heal and will be doomed to repeat this scenario.

My WW and her in-laws have done many things that are wrong, or deceptive, or controlling, etc...and moving forward they will very likely continue this behavior towards me. I have to realize that doesn't matter. I cannot control them, I can only control myself. I can only look at myself, recognize my faults, honestly, and if possible correct them, and live my life.

This is the point of DBing, and I am frigging proud of you for understanding this less than 6 months after your bomb drop, B. I muddled and moped around for years, truly. You are doing really really well!

Someone on here is very fond of saying that our marriages are over at bomb drop, but we just don't know it yet. And maybe we can reconcile with our spouse in a new improved marriage. Maybe not. Either way, YOU are and will be a wonderful man and dad. And that's all you can do.

----Sidebar Question----

1.) I want to send my wife a message and suggest that we move to a true 50% custody. I want to say that if we switch to week by week...she has the kids for 7 days, and then I get the kids for 7 days...that everyone's life will actually be easier.

Currently, there are two transitions every week so the kids have to be packed up and ready to switch twice every week. This is time consuming and emotionally draining on the kids.

Not to mention that if we switch to week-by-week then both my wife and I will have a week where we can focus on the kids and do all kid related activities and then during the following week catch up on all the personal things we need to focus on. I don't know, for me at least, it feels like this constant transition is making it difficult for me to find a solid routine, and if its hard for me, its got to be hard on the kids.

So...the question to you all is, how would you recommend I approach this? Just an email written out just like above?

2.) A secondary question that is multi-faceted. Obviously my wife has lost complete respect for me, and even in her own words 'emasculated' me. She has threatened court action and taking the kids 100% custody and all of that, as has been previously discussed.

My question is about how I should be acting from a legal, business, pro-active stance.

I have been basically taking the stance of 'taking no action' so as not to rush or escalate anything beyond where it should be. However, it has come up a couple of times in conversations with friends, that perhaps I should take pro-active action and seek a lawyer to delineate our separation agreement formally. Does taking the first step on this make a difference?

The thing is B, your wife does not really care if things are harder or easier for your kids, and CERTAINLY does not care one single bit what you want. You already spoke to a lawyer right? You need to discuss this with him. The divorce laws are pretty complex in NC as compared to most of the rest of the country, with "fault" still a big issue in assigning alimony and may impact custody arrangements.

While many vets recommend letting the wayward spouse file for divorce, you need to protect yourself and your kids. Your wife threatened to have her family lie in court so she can get 100% custody. The best thing you can do is to discuss this with your lawyer. NC is a hybrid state, and I think the fact that you "abandoned" your wife counts against you, as does your history of alcohol abuse. And your wife's adultery counts against her. Retain that lawyer you spoke to, or find someone you like better. Do it!

So, if I switch to a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment with a sun-room, that should be adequate for 3 kids in part-time custody right? If not, do you think a 3 bedroom would be adequate? A three bedroom unit would be a lot more expensive and for half the time would be completely overkill. I don't know. Curious to hear your thoughts.

I think 2 bedrooms would be good. The two girls could share a room, and you could put a futon in your room for your son, and use it as a couch when they are not living with you. I personally think your oldest daughter is too old to be sharing with a boy. It would save you a lot of money to be able to switch to a unit like this in the complex you're already living in. Sounds good!

I'm not going to date. I have fantasized about it some. And, while it would be nice to have someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. Forming some new relationship right now is just something that I don't really have any interest in. I do actually want to step out of the other side of this painful place as a new man...a healthy, happy man.

I'm relieved to hear you say this. A new relationship started before you are healed and out of your old relationship is not fair to you or to the new woman.

And more on your wife's lack of respect and emasculating you...Sandi started a great thread on this. Really eye opening, and a little upsetting. Take a look -- http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323#Post2653323

I love you all, seriously. Is it weird that I say that? I don't know why I'm feeling compelled to say that. It's okay, right? Anyway...

Not weird at all. I love you too. And honestly, Bfice (what DOES Bfice mean, anyway??) my closest real life friends are people whom I met on this forum. There's something about going thru a terrible trauma together, and helping and upholding and cheering each other on thru good and bad times that gives people really really tight bonds. We know a lot more about each other and can see each other more clearly than social or work friends. Don't cha think?