Back again

[someguy1233]

This is a 3 part post.

---thoughts on anxiety and depression---
She’s been on Zoloft coming up on a year for anxiety and depression. It’s definitely helped with her anxiety. Fights are less severe. But she now seems even more selfish. She loves it and calls it a miracle drug. I started taking Buspar for anxiety (no depression) back in November. I never realized how severe my anxiety was but Buspar has really helped. It’s still a work in progress. I know for a fact (she’s said so) that my anxiety has been a large issue. She never noticed it until after she started taking Zoloft, but now it’s very apparent to her. My anxiety had been out of control the last month or so, but I failed to notice as this awareness of my mental state is new to me.

---shifting thoughts to recent interactions---
Yesterday morning she made a comment that stung. She liked how I was dressed and said, “I like that shirt, you should wear that style every day… not that it matters.” I simply responded, “thanks!”
Last night she left for a couple hours after dinner to go shopping with a friend. I had a great time playing with the kids and putting them to bed. I think I’m noticing a decrease in my anxiety. Things the kids do that would historically get me on edge didn’t seem to matter.
When W got home I was watching a dramatic TV show. She sat in the other room on the computer. Normally we don’t watch dramatic shows. She doesn’t like them and I prefer comedies. But for some reason this one was interesting to me. I’m now wondering if I should stick to watching comedies when she may be around as a way to be more inviting to her.
We went to bed at about the same time (still the same bed, but no touching). We had a light joking conversation. She laughed a lot and held my arm saying, “thank you, I needed this.”
This morning she let me know, “I put gas in YOUR car last night.” We never had clear “ownership” of our vehicles. In the past the comment would have been, “I put gas in THE car.”

---shifting thoughts to D---
On to the other side of the coin… I’ve been thinking about D. There are two parts that scare me. I would stand for 50% custody. I believe she would agree to it based on conversations long ago. What I struggle greatly with is logistics. I don’t know how people manage preschool, daycare, kindergarten, etc. as a part time single parent with a demanding full time job. I’ve been spoiled with a spouse that works full time but much of it from home.
My other great struggle with D is my very small social circle. I’ve been labeled an introvert but after learning more about my anxiety I think I may have more social anxiety than anything. I love to be around people, but the planning and actively participating exhausts me. I find it easier to sit at home, but then I’m lonely. I built my life around W and the kids. A future without her terrifies me.