B's Bootcamp v3

[Bfice3]

your sobriety and the things you are doing are to be highly commended

Thank you for saying this V, and while it is nice to hear, the truth is...I should have been doing this long ago.

In these difficult circumstances you are going to AA and staying sober. This is the most important gift you have for yourself and your family.

It is a very short period of time.

The funny thing about the alcohol is that, so far it really hasn't been too much of an issue. There are a lot of reasons for that...the original and primary one was that in the beginning I believed that getting sober would prove to my WW that I was worthy of reconciliation. There has also been a great deal of fear, in that, I feel as though all of my actions are viewed under a microscope and that any slip up will surely prevent reconciliation and/or make me lose access to my children.

That being said...I do realize that I have a real alcohol addiction. I am powerless over alcohol. I also seem to be powerless over a couple of other 'self-medicating' behaviors. (Pornography and Video Games) I'm not sure yet where and how all of this comes together but I know that they are related in origin.

Know that this is a consequence of your addictive behavior. Your responsibility.

This is one of the key things that I took from your post here. And may be the sentence that truly crushed me. But...it is the truth and exactly what I need to accept. My WW and her in-laws have done many things that are wrong, or deceptive, or controlling, etc...and moving forward they will very likely continue this behavior towards me. I have to realize that doesn't matter. I cannot control them, I can only control myself. I can only look at myself, recognize my faults, honestly, and if possible correct them, and live my life. That has been the true revelation that came when I first read your post. So, thank you, so very much for not being afraid to speak your mind, sharing your experience, and taking the time to do so with me.

I think it would help you to rework steps 1 to 3 of your twelve step program

Yes. I have been starting to feel this also. The first 3 months, my whole focus in everything I did, was reconciliation. When I went to AA...it was so easy (well, not easy) but it was so obviously necessary to 'heal', to 'recover', to have some tangible proof to show my WW...'look, see...I'm better'.

Now, though. I'm looking at it through my eyes, for my life. And suddenly the prospect of sharing, and going through these 12 steps is suddenly much more frightening. Requiring a higher degree of self-reflection. I'll get there...I want to...but it is going to take time.

I also suggest you read about being the child of an alcoholic, your children are the children of an alcoholic. Sobriety for such a short time is not atonement. To atone takes great courage and humility. I don't see it nor do I read that you understand the damage done by addiction by the addict to the family.

This part is hard. Its hard for me to see clearly and accept that I have done so much damage and pain. If I'm being honest, a lot of the memories and details are missing...from gee I wonder why...getting drunk and not being able to remember. I ran and hid from life in alcohol and life just kept going on without me.

The biggest thing I've done...and this is hard to admit. Is that, basically...I allowed my WW to treat our D(15) as a scapegoat...and...even worse...I would do it too. I at least recognize that it has happened. I've discussed it with my WW before over the past few years and she denies any existence of such behavior. My poor daughter is too tender and broken to be able to recognize or speak about this for herself. (I mean, perhaps I project some of my own personal pain onto her experience, but I don't think I'm wrong.)

As for the rest of the time...well...I know that there was a lot of angry outbursts, mood swings, lying and isolating behavior. I mean, yeah, I've done more than my share of damaging my MR. I admit that. And if I look at myself objectively...what woman would want to stay with that man?

Do you have any recommended books on dealing with the children of alcoholics? I've mentioned to my D(15) the Al-Anon process and group and volunteered to go with her to a meeting, but in general, I don't think she is ready to face those types of things. I think she still wants to believe life will be okay on its own...you know...her parents will protect her and make sure she is okay like they always have. (That's sarcasm)

I believe you have a great deal of work to do on you.

Agreed.

Secondly there are physiological issues that need addressing. Substance addicts invariably have poor health especially if they smoke. Nutritional deficiencies and you say you have lost a lot of weight. Know your numbers, get your health, liver function and thyroid tested. Kidney damage is also common.

This is a good reminder. Something that my codependency therapist has been stressing also. 'Know your body' I quit smoking in 2000. (That actually contributed to a lot of my weight gain originally) The weight I've lost was necessary. Did I do it healthily? I don't know. I didn't take any supplements or diet pills or anything like that...I simply knew that I needed to lose weight, because I was fat, and was so depressed that I really wasn't hungry.

Last June I weighed 315lbs. This morning I weighed 231. I'm 6'4", so I still have some weight I feel like I want to lose so that I can have a body that helps me have a higher self esteem. But, for the past month or so I've holding mostly steady around the 230 mark.

But, I should go get a detailed physical probably. I have been to the doctor and my blood pressure was very good for a change. My kids say my snoring at night is gone also - due to weight loss.

Let's also consider the body mind spirit interaction

This is going to be where my real work is done. Early on in my first thread I had a realization one Sunday morning at a men's meeting. And...last night it was reinforced while sitting in a Divorce Care session where they were discussing spirituality and the happiness and healthiness that comes with letting go of anger.

My morality. My spirituality.

AA peers tell me to, 'do the next right thing'.

But...for pretty much for as long as I can remember...I act healthy, I act spiritual, I seem to be these things...at least at first glance. But...when I get alone...I shed those pointless notions and do what I want, how I want. Gluttonous, prideful, selfish, addictive actions. (Though, I never cheated on my WW) I don't know how I justified this in my head...I guess I just lied and figured no-one knew. But the hollow nature of self I created is probably one of the primary things that I have done to degrade into a man that had no value in his MR, career, etc...

I think it would help you to understand that much of your hyper reactivity and mood swings are related to your addiction and the consequences of it.

This right here...this is good stuff. And I've heard it said over the past few months...but never really took it to mean me. I have had extreme reactions both positive and negative to things that really probably shouldn't elicit much of a response at all. Which, that realization stinks, because probably it means that my WW has done less mean stuff than I think, and has also shown even less attention to me than the little that I believed she had displayed. But...that doesn't matter. It is good to remember that I need to slow down all of my responses. Take some time. Be patient.

A friend in AA said, "Nothing is as good, or as bad, as we believe it is."

Dating is not good GAL and if I were W, that would make me think scorpion, so much damage and he dates?

I'm not going to date. I have fantasized about it some. And, while it would be nice to have someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. Forming some new relationship right now is just something that I don't really have any interest in. I do actually want to step out of the other side of this painful place as a new man...a healthy, happy man.

Dark is not good. Validation is important.

I would really like to hear you expand on this. I get the validation being important. I'm not certain I understand the dark is not good aspect. Are you saying I shouldn't be doing NC? I assume that any notion of pursuit needs to explicitly destroyed within myself. But...up to this point, I have had a very difficult time at being able to interact with WW and not pursue. If I force myself to not interact with her other than the barest of minimum responses, then I seem to be able to effectively detach. But, if I talk to her (like a couple of weekends ago) then suddenly I start to feel this desire to pursue.

You are rushing, it's in the nature of compulsives, you have time take it.

Again, great advice. I'm working on being able to put this in to practice. "Time takes time". Again though, one thing that I have really struggled with during this whole process, is how to feel, think, view my future. To sit in limbo...to accept her waywardness...to ignore the fear and uncertainty...to not rage out of control...so hard.

Thank you so much Vanilla for this post. It's difficult for me to express the profound response I had to this message.

I saw some of your other post and I will respond. I'm in no rush, so please don't worry about responding quickly. I grateful that you have taken as much time as you have.

And for RosaLinda and Thornton...I'm going to work my through this thread making responses to every post.

I will also be adding more of my self-examination.

So...stay tuned...same bat time...same bat channel.

Cheers all.

I love you all, seriously. Is it weird that I say that? I don't know why I'm feeling compelled to say that. It's okay, right? Anyway...

-B-