So she has seen that the boys need her and she has proposed that she will be here most of the time but have me keep the boys on the weekends. She came up with a schedule for the next 4 weeks.
While she is gone I do not plan on doing her duties unless I absolutely have to.
Due to the issues that the boys are having at school and the way they are acting she is coming back to take care of them but on her schedule.
Do I tell her she needs to be back full time or don't come back at all?
Without legal advice then I don't think this ultimatum is possible. Please document when WW is with you and the children. You will need to have reports that this is damaging for the stability of the boys.
If I do that, it will only turn into an argument that she will want to start and will continue to blame me.
No matter what you do this will happen
As my DB coach has stated, get her to negotiate with me. Although she has seen changes in me, I have seen changes in her also. Although it may not seem that negotiating is the right thing to do, it has drawn her back to the marital home to do her duty as a mother even though it may not be full time.
If that is coaches advice then go with that, especially if it is working.
Although her requests of me may seem frivolous to most people, they are important to her and not unreasonable requests to me. Don't know if the changes will save my M but she does see me differently now but she is still a roller coaster of emotions.
negotiation is about exchange. I do this and you do that plus I give this and you give that. Something important to one may seem frivolous to another. A bargain is struck.
I am trying to keep my emotions out of the picture. To be honest, I did not think that she would be back this soon or offer to come back at all.
You bargained for this so why shouldn't she if it was a successful deal for her and you
I don't know how to bring up my boundaries. How do I say them to her?
if bargaining has worked so far then do that. Some things may be non negotiable. Such as no ML if you have sex with OM. They are your boundaries.
My boundaries would be as follows:
Cut off contact will all OMs "fiends". How do I get her to prove that she has?
You can only set boundaries for your behaviour not yours. I notice the Freudian slip, very appropriate. This isn't a boundary you can enforce.
When she was back she took care of things that a mom should.
Thats good, she met the bargain.
The only other thing I would like from her is to treat me with respect. This weekend she started to just order me around.
Walk away when she does this.
Everytime she did this I would stop and look at her and ask her to say please.
So please go punch yourself in the foot and jump off the cliff is ok if she says Please go punch yourself in the foot and jump off the cliff please?
She was frustrated at first because I would not do what she asked and walked away.
She would be and this is the best stance in my view. Or you could say "really" or "what was that you said?" And "please repeat that".
You can always validate her frustration "I understand this is frustrating for you and I have decide that I will be treated with respect."
She then quickly changed her tune and started to say please. She asked me why I was treating her like that and I told her it was rude that she was ordering me around and since then she always added please to every request.
It would be better to validate instead and cease to label her as rude. Talk about this from your view as in "when you speak to me like this I feel disrespected and am resistant to cooperating with you. If this continues then I will walk away to another room." This boundary is I will be respected.
I don't mind doing things I just want to be treated as an equal.
Then respect yourself and set your boundaries. You need L advice and a full evaluation for the kids I think. Kids come first. Their stability and to me it seems like you are the more stable parent for these boys and more than capable of being there for them. It still reads like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.
------------------------------------ Can you get extra help in real life?
Mari
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
