WAW online EA and maybe MLC

[fade]

I really like your plan of shutting off internet, not paying her bills, and enrolling the kids in school and daycare. What I do not like is you telling her you are about to do these things.

Also, you cannot tell her when she will have custody and not, and that she can't come to the home. Without court orders, she can stay in the house all she wants, and she can watch the kids where she is every day.

So I would suggest you do all these steps with as little notice, and thus fight, as possible. Of course she doesnt have a leg to stand on for the internet and phone - I would let her know she has until the end of the billing period to transfer her phone, and just shut off the internet now. But for the school and house, you have to be careful in how to proceed.

Its always easier to defend the status quo than to change it. So your strategy should be to gradually shift the status quo to your liking. I would not fight on the house for now, but do get the kids in school. Of course you need to inform her, but have everything set up first and ready to go. When you tell her anything, its a warning and you are starting a fight. A fight where you are trying to change something. If you just do it, its fait accompli, and she has to initiate a fight to undo it. If this turns into a court case, you want it so that she has to prove to the court that the kids are better off in her care than in school, rather than you proving that they are better off in school than her care. And that's when pulling out the 15 hour a day chat logs of hers will destroy her case.

As for confronting or threatening the OM, as a man I think that is my duty. But he's a young single idiot - you have to expect him to be laughing at you.

[Squiggy]

Finally got back to ya. Plague hit my home.

Good for you for getting angry!! Embrace it, use it, and move with it. Just don't be spiteful, because that is no better than what your WW is doing.

You've gotten some great advice on this thread. Last is so right in that it's time for you to put your wet noodle ways to the side and BE A MAN. Have you read...

I didn't see an update about the message you were considering. What's it looking like now? It's a good opportunity to establish boundaries and command respect for your WW. And please tell me you didn't act out of anger and contact OM...I doubt you did, since you provided great rationale to not do so.

[cubebot]

Fade,

Great insight into doing it first. It is what is best and I need to be decisive and this is a 180 for me not to ask her to take care of things because I am at work. I was angry when I posted about confronting the OM, but as someone put "he is just being a male" although a loser who prays on married women, he is just a male. SHE is the one who is cheating, she is the one responsible for my hurt and anger. Plus he could be easily replaced and it might be someone local. At least this guy lives on the other side of the country. Your right about custody and house too. She can be there but if she is she won't be able to communicate with OM and that I am sure is a deal breaker for her wanting to be there, so that problem is solved by the phone & internet going away.

[cubebot]

Hi Squiggy,

I really hoped that you would post today. The anger gives me the fire to stand up for myself, but I will not let it control me or give her anymore fuel as to why I am a bad guy in her mind. I did not contact the OM, I realized it will only push her into his arms with sympathy and make me look like the "big bad controlling husband" she thinks I am. I AM GOING TO BE A MAN, and I accept that she won't like it. Tough love I guess.

Read half of ... So much insight into myself, I am greatful for this opportunity in life to have the chance to take an honest look at myself where I am and how to be the real me and the man I want to be. Still need to pick up ....

Also, I really like Sandi2 most recent post about nice guys and WW. Brutally honest, but that's what I need to avoid making excuses in my mind "why I am different" or "they don't understand this" type stuff.

[cubebot]

So a fury of emotions and posts today. Went to get the kids and the R talk started. W informed me she was going to be filing for an uncontested D and that she didn't want anything other then a few basic things. I wanted so bad to beg for counseling, plead for another chance or try something but I didn't. I tried to validate her, but think it was not the best. She wanted to argue but I controlled the situation. i tried to prepare for this, but it was so surreal. I guess that D doesn't mean its the end, but I know that she will be with other men and that hurts. I know that other men will be a part of my kids life and that hurts.

I know that I will be ok, but this is not the life I want. This is however the life I have and I guess I will make the best of it. She is flexible with custody, but I feel like that is just so she can have less responsibility and to do what she wants.

The things I wanted to do or say in my posts earlier today, I didn't. It just won't make a difference. She is done and now i must go to LRT and let her go. Let her go to find what she is looking for. Let her go so I can find myself.

I am thankful for this group and all the people who have been here to help me get through this so far. I know there is a long hard road still to go, but it is not the one that I thought i was on. Not sure why though

I guess this doesn't really change things beside the boundaries that I need to define. I wish I found this place one month earlier, but I know god has his plans for everyone and hope I can share this resource with others before it gets to late.

I will not give up on her!

"and now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is Love"

-1 Corinthians 13:13

[fade]

I know that is not what you want to hear from her right now, but this is actually overall good news for you. I suggest you accept this for now, and expedite this process as quickly as you can, with the best terms you can get. Not because you want a divorce, but because you want the best situation for you and your kids, whether the eventual outcome is divorce or reconciliation.

Your WW is in la la land right now and only cares about getting to chat in the next 5 minutes and she will give up everything for that fix. She probably even feels guilty, and may want to not take everything from you. However if you slow things down or fight this, she will eventually realize her terrible new reality, her feelings of guilt will be replaced with hatred, and she will fight you tooth and nail.

Basically, I see a lot of guys that want to reconcile, and their instinct is to fight the divorce, sell the farm and give away the kids to try to win back their WW. But that always backfires. Why would a WW want to come back when she has the kids and all your money, when she fought you and won? Well, they dont! They however often do want to come back when they look back at what they threw away and realize it is worth far more than what they have. So you want her to look back at you and see a man with dignity and strength, who is leading the care of his kids and household, is financially stable, and living healthy and fulfilling life. Eventually even she will see that is better than chatting with loser creeps. It doesnt always happen, but more than you may think. Of course, most guys by that point dont want to go back.

[cubebot]

Hi Fade,

That is great insight into the outcome of how I handle myself and the ultimate "end game". Find myself just thinking one day at a time, but thinking big picture in someways is important too. Makes complete sense on the differences of how W may look back one day. I have no intentions of fighting W @ this point. Hard to fight without pursuing IMHO and if W wants out more I can't stop her. Also, I think a chance for her to hit rock bottom, sooner, and face the reality of her actions...that is if she ever does.

[cubebot]

Talked to W today. She wants either our plane or our boat (about the same cost, nothing fancy but fun all the same) not sure which I really want more. Guess I can get either one again @ some point. She also found a job, so I am happy that she found something she likes and will be fulfilling to her. Time to focus on improving myself for me and the kids.

[cubebot]

So I need some advice. I am putting kids back into daycare so that my separated W can have the day open and the ability to work. I think that she continues to hold out for the job she really wants and is not considering other more immediate options. She wants me to give her $$ to support her and is saying to me "you can afford to pay for daycare, but you can't give me $$" When she asked for money originally I told her that I needed some time to think about things. I think that my time is up. The kids are taken care of in terms of expenses, but she wants $$ to go do fun stuff.


Also, I don't know if it will help to point out the fact that
1) I know that she is "in love" with the OM from EA and they swap I love you's

2) I know who he is and he is a looser. Text book "Affairing down"


I want to put a boundary along the lines of since you have chosen this path I will not be supporting you....

This is what I want to say:

Due to your choice to end the M and your relationship with OM I cannot and will not facilitate your R with OM(-insert name-) in anyway. In addition to no longer supporting you outside of your car and insurance, I will also not be paying for your cell phone as this is the primary means of communication that you have with OM. Once this billing period is over, I will need the device back since hardware is paid for by the month and you will need to make arrangements to port your line if you would like to keep it.


I want to express this in a way that will point out why I am establishing this boundary because of OM and EA and not just to be spiteful. BUT what I am struggling with is that at this point she thinks I am in the dark about the severity of her R with this OM. I also want to go ahead and get the "elephant in the room" out there about the OM. I don't think it is healthy for me or constructive for the R to have this resentment I have about the situation with OM effect my actions and her think she is so slick in hiding things and not know why I am doing this and just think I am doing this because I am being a jerk. Ultimately I am sure she will think because I am a jerk, but whatever. Deep down she will understand why.

I am staying true to to Sandi2 rules on how to interact, but I just feel she needs to understand why I am doing what I am doing with this financial boundary. Spoke with a L about sitch and I feel confident that I am in a pretty good position if she try's to manipulate me.

Thoughts?

[cubebot]

I am really conflicted and need some support / wisdom. The EA she is having is essentially provide @ no cost. She communicates via internet that I don't pay for. Sure the cell phone too, but that is not really the main point. If she has money to do things she can get herself out and away from the game and into the "real world". Of course with her WW'ness she may very well meet a "real person", but the $$ thing and not helping her in the transition is really viewed as controlling and that IS NOT a 180 for me.

Should I stay firm to the support yourself, or should I be supportive of her in the new chapter and help her through it?
When I read it and "helping her" it just sounds like me being a ... but pissing her off and giving her more ammo on why I am a bad guy and controlling isn't really going to help. This kind of goes back to my above post and how I can establish my boundary and that IU am not giving her $$ due to the OM and EA.

I would really love some feedback from you guys on these last two post before the weekend if anyone stops by

THANKS FRIENDS