Roar& Thorton- Yes I have decided that I am now just going to lie to everyone in my real life. Well not even LIE..just very basics.
Are you doing okay: sure I'm fine. -not a lie, just not telling them details.
I decided I will DB THE heck out of the time he has given me. If I feel like I will cry, I will pinch my leg, bite my tounge..do something to distract me. (Obviously not self harm just kinda like a chill out and get it together women moment.)
I will be MORE FUN around his family. THE LAST few times I am quiet and sad and just lonely. They see me so sad and lonely. I want the next time to be happy. I love them and they love me and they are stuck with me forever as the mother of their grandbabies.
Even if we get divorced I want to be like my mom and grandma. My mom still calls my grandma mom. They talk on the phone. They still love eachother. I want that. I love these people and honestly the only family I have in this state besides my mom, and I truly love them all. They tell me no matter what they will always love me and they will ways have me in their lives.
No more venting to the real world. Even my closes friends. It made them think I am weak and pathetic and I'm not. I am trying to fix my marriage on my own, while fixing myself.
I will cry alone in private. In the shower, at my house, if I need to cry at my moms I will go on a walk, run to the store, go on a drive. I am no longer letting other people make me feel worse.
I love my husband. I do, even when he is down right awful, I do. I refuse to walk away, give up and spend the REST of MY LIFE wondering what if I WAITED. what IF I GAVE HIM another month. WHAT IF will drive me crazy. I want to know in my heart I DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to keep us together.
You guys are right. MY LIFE. MY CHOICE. IF he leaves and I WASTED 6 months oh well..he waisted 7 years of my life being with me too
When it comes to the kids is when I struggle on if I should text my wah or wait for him to contact me.
Today d5 got her mid year exam and she got all 60 questions right and is top of her class for preschool. I am so very proud of her! I really want to text him and tell him how smart and amazing she is but then I'm like well its not important, I can wait tp tell him.
I dont want to use my kids as a way to talk to him when I'm missing him. I am missing him right now. My pillow still smells like his cologne from when he was last here.
Oh gosh reading this I got chills because I feel the exact same Red.
I had to pinch myself today in the car to keep from crying, especially because he's using his playlist against me it feels. Uuuuugh.
I can't agree more with what you said above, as I am there myself. Right there with you. It's awful, it's hard but in the end...we will come out stronger, wiser, better than before. Look at all of the changes you've made, just look at what you're capable of as a strong, smart, caring woman! Really! There's no shame in crying or being sad, we're human and our human experience, our world has been shaken to the core. We will handle it, we will.
I did good today. He called, I was super happy,kids had no interest in talking to him though. He forgot to tell me he worked thursday morning for training so he will not get to keep them overnight this week. Makes me sad for the kids. I have no idea when they will see him next.
I tried validating for the first time. He was complaining that even though he works overnight his family aka my sister in law and brother in law and baby niece will go to my in laws and have the baby screaming(she is 2) and loud and he barely gets sleeps. I said oh I'm sorry,that must be hard.
Not sure if I was doing it right but he was like yeah it really is. It [censored]. They are rude. He mentioned sleeping at our house maybe one day this week to see the kids. I said that is fine, I'll make sure I make plans with s3 that day so he can sleep and I'll have plans.
He said I like when you guys are home with me.
That made me happy. No reading. No thinking. I'm doing well I believe.
Okay my H said he is choosing today to come see the kids, spend the morning sleeping. Last time he saw me on V day I was emotional. Sad. No fun..back to my sexy, confident, smart db self.
Goals: Boundaries. Validating. Distance( stay in another room). Maybe leaving for a few to " run errands" but really just get out maybe go to target and starbucks haha
Or not...He changed his mind apparently. I hate that he never tells me if he is changing his plans.
I only know because he isn't here. It is very annoying. I'm trying to let it go. He may or may not show up sometime today now.
If he did what he did last time,he will come over for maybe 2 hours MAYBE even though he promised to come see them all day because it his only time to see them in a week.
TRYING not to call or text him to ask him why he does this crap..It is BS. I do not understand why he doesn't care if he sees our kids. I miss them after a few hours.
It's a difficult time when you're trying to establish new boundaries in a relationship. Right now, I think perhaps the best thing to do is to document exactly what happened on each of these occassions. That way you can see if there is a pattern and use it to figure out what your boundaries are and how the kids are hurt or benefit from them.
I think in general that he has little respect for you. I think boundaries is an area you could work on. Even if you love someone and want to be with them, you should have boundaries for how they get to treat you.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter: I document what happens everyday. Every. Single. Day. If he comes over. When he goves me money. If he calls etc. He has no pattern really it is all over the place.
So far the only pattern he has is the nights he keeps the kids he will call or text me 5-10 times that night and the next day to see what I'm doing and where I'm going. He doesnt do it as much now but it is usually almost a guarantee he will call or text at least a few times.
I do think I need to work on boundaries, just not sure how to word or address the whole making commitmenta and then bailing boundaries with out making him feel like I am controlling him or idk. I do not know how to handle that.
The way our separtion is NOW is he stays at his parents on days he works, on his days off he comes home at least one night overnight and I will leave and he will keep the kids at our house overnight.
The other days he has off he will visit if he wants to, spend the night at his friends overnigjt, at his parents, honestly have no ideabut 90% it is out partying, drinking, or hanging out with his single coworkers and spending the night at their houses.
It is a weird situation since we part time share the house so I have trouble with what boundaries I can make for the house.
