I think that what bothers me is that I thought I was becoming my wife's confidante again. With this new drama, it's clear I'm not. That, coupled with my wife's inability to completely block him on all technology is forcing me to realize that we might not me in this together right now. She just doesn't understand how counterproductive it is to still have him around in her life - on any level. Until she realizes that I have no hope for reconciliation.
This realization has had a very negative effects on me and sent me back. I'm almost in as much pain as when I initially found out about the EA. My stomach is in knots. I'm angry. I'm not sleeping well (or at least not waking up rested). Depression is rushing into my psyche. I need to stop this downward spiral fast before something bad happens. I haven't felt like this in decades and I don't like it.
OK, so my plan is to go back to doing stuff for me. GO back to GAL, remind myself that I am important and don't deserve this. And that I am better than the way I feel. So, I'll go back to working out (I've let that slip in the past month). Back to that church (I'm embarrassed to say I only went once). Continue with my music. Prep for my new job. Love my kids and cherish every moment I have with them.
My biggest goal with all this GAL is to detach. I'd been doing well, but I made the mistake of hoping. Hoping my wife had changed, hoping she cared about me, hoping she wanted to work on our marriage. Some of that is probably happening, but I am investing too much mental effort into maintaining hope. I must be more constructive and transformative when it applies to my mental state. I MUST stop looking over my shoulder to see if my wife is coming with me.
Because whether she does or does not won't change my journey.
I went through the same back and forth thing with my WW spanning at least two dozen false hope's and almost 2 years wasted. It was horrible. I'd be happy then she'd revert and crush me again.
I finally had enough and drew the line in the sand. I filed and had her served. I was sick of limbo and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt this was it. The fish or cut bait moment. I was going to be fine either way. In my case that brought her around. It may work for you or it may not. You know your W better than any of us...or maybe nobody knows her right now because she's not really in her right mind. Cheaters never are. That fog really messes with their ability to make healthy and rational decisions. The fact that she thinks she can end an A but keep the person in her life tells me she's still deep DEEP in the fog. If she wasn't she'd know how ridiculous that is.
As long as she's in the fog there's not much you can do to "fix" her. IC's can't fix that either. Something has to bring her out of it. I found my something. It was having her served with D papers. I'm not telling you to do that but at some point you have to change the dynamic and that will definitely do it. You have to get to a point where you don't fear either outcome. Don't lie to yourself and say you're at that point if you're not. You have to be ok with moving on from this M. It may be the only way to really save it.
