I think that what bothers me is that I thought I was becoming my wife's confidante again. With this new drama, it's clear I'm not. That, coupled with my wife's inability to completely block him on all technology is forcing me to realize that we might not me in this together right now. She just doesn't understand how counterproductive it is to still have him around in her life - on any level. Until she realizes that I have no hope for reconciliation.
This realization has had a very negative effects on me and sent me back. I'm almost in as much pain as when I initially found out about the EA. My stomach is in knots. I'm angry. I'm not sleeping well (or at least not waking up rested). Depression is rushing into my psyche. I need to stop this downward spiral fast before something bad happens. I haven't felt like this in decades and I don't like it.
OK, so my plan is to go back to doing stuff for me. GO back to GAL, remind myself that I am important and don't deserve this. And that I am better than the way I feel. So, I'll go back to working out (I've let that slip in the past month). Back to that church (I'm embarrassed to say I only went once). Continue with my music. Prep for my new job. Love my kids and cherish every moment I have with them.
My biggest goal with all this GAL is to detach. I'd been doing well, but I made the mistake of hoping. Hoping my wife had changed, hoping she cared about me, hoping she wanted to work on our marriage. Some of that is probably happening, but I am investing too much mental effort into maintaining hope. I must be more constructive and transformative when it applies to my mental state. I MUST stop looking over my shoulder to see if my wife is coming with me.
Because whether she does or does not won't change my journey.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
