REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!#4

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Just journaling here, haven't tried it before......

Not much going on tonight, just can't sleep. It's only been 3 days since ow came to my apartment for a chat. It seems like it's been so much longer than that. When is time going to stop moving so slowly? I'm still not sure what to think of her visit. I keep trying to figure out why she came. What she was after. Did she just want to see me? On an information gathering expedition? Trying to get me to move on and let H go? Trying somehow to justify to herself or to me why the thinks it's okay for her to come up here and steal my H? I guess I'll never really know the answer to that question. I'll just add it to the list of things that I'll never know the answer to.

What I find surprising is that since she was here, my whole attitude seems to be different. Not really sure why. And, I don't really know if my views on things have actually changed, or if I'm just reacting to emotions and not realizing it. I also don't know if this is the outlook that I get to keep, or if I'm just going to start cycling again. I'm guessing that I will cycle, but I hope I get to hang onto this attitude for a while as it makes me feel like I'm detached even though I know that I'm not.

When ow left, I felt happy. It was great! I was happy first of all that she was gone and I didn't have to see her anymore. But, more than that, I was happy that she was mad at my H. I was even more happy when she said she was going home because it was eating me up knowing that I was going to get to be alone for Valentine's Day and H was going to get to spend the entire weekend with ow...in my house...in my bed. But, she was going home. Good that meant that maybe H could feel just as lonely and miserable as me for Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, that happiness was short lived because ow decided to come back and they indeed spent the weekend together.

When I realized that she was here and that she never went home, it didn't make me sad as it had before. It just made me angry. Angry that she was here, in my house, with my H after having told me "It's like I'm you now." She's not me and never will be. But, she has taken my spot. And, yes, I'm angry about that. It feels like it has been so much longer than just 3 days.

That's what made me question again her motives in coming to see me. Isn't that my job and the cheated on spouse to go and seek out the OP to get answers? She's not supposed to come see ME! Now I just feel like she was lying to me and using me. I guess that's not completely surprising to me. I guess I just wanted to think she was being honest.

Before she came over here, the only thing I wanted was for H to contact me. A call, text, banner from the back of an airplane..... I didn't care how, I just wanted him to reach out to me and to want to fix our marriage. But, now, when I think of him I'm just mad at him. I'm mad because he brought ow into my life. I don't want her to know about my kids, where I live, what I drive, where I work, etc. That's my business not hers. I am so mad that he told her any of that. I'm mad that he didn't seem to care if she came over here and upset me or my kids. It's like he just thinks that's fine, she can do whatever she wants.

I'm not even sure anymore that I want him to reach out to me. I have no idea how I would even react or what I would say to him. I don't know that I would be able to be open to R with him, and I'm not even sure yet if that bothers me. He has just lied to me so much, how will I ever believe him? How will I ever be able to trust him to be out of my sight? How would I react the first time he accused me of looking at someone or talking to someone....I'd probably loose it!

Well, I guess maybe this does help a little. I think I have figured out an answer to one of my questions. I do feel numb inside. I guess I was hoping that I was just so mad that I had finally let go, apparently I'm not that lucky, I just feel numb inside now. I'm sitting here thinking about him and I feel nothing. Great, I have inadvertently dragged myself back to the pit. I'm going to stop now before I make myself feel any worse than I just did. Maybe this will go better next time.