As I said I JUST discovered this and ofcourse there was that mind-numbing rush of anger/hurt .... then I began to process it. Strange .... I was suprised but not suprised if that makes any sense, and now all the D drops/monster/bashing and comments made are more clear now. We got into it a bit Saturday like she was looking for a fight so we had it out, but the fights seemed to dress R issues so I would play along thinking she was working things out.
I feel she never truly bottomed out, was like she dipped and felt me really letting go last year ... which I was ... and recoiled hard to get me back where she left me. I thought about it Sunday, she had me back home and it just felt like she was slipping back in .... reading alot I just could not tell if it was withdrawl or replay as to my knowledge there was no OM .... over the past month or so I looked a bit, figured out she still had the 2nd phone ... she lied about that ... but still time wise she was pretty much here. All till the past few weeks .... who knows how long OM has been back in the picture and I do not expect an answer I would trust at this point, nor does it matter. The other thing is I felt deep down I would have to move out by May ... she was still far to secretive and withdrawn and I have hit a point where I was not shy with how I felt (Falling on deaf ears in hind sight) .... I did not want to live in a M as we have had since October... and the verbal abuse has left some marks .... hurtful things she has said over the past couple months are going to take me some time to get over.
I am strangely at peace ... all the work I have done to this point and just knowing this was possible I guess has prepared me. I can not afford to move out right now, so I called my mother, did something I have never done before .... and asked for a loan as I told her why/what happened. So she is mailing me a check (to my work) and I will move out once I find a suitable place for my son and I. As far as the dog .... I am not sure I will be able to take him and it hurts, he is old/blind and so attached to me, but we will see what happens there. I hope to be out by this weekend provided I can find a place.
So as far as the sitch .... she found my note ... ofcourse that was followed with the text barrage, the "How dare you snoop through my stuff" even some good ones to laugh at ... "Im sorry it happened this way, maybe one day you will understand what love is" .... "Im someone with needs , something you failed at" (This falls in line with how amazing OM is in bed ..... something I have been made well aware of ... more hurtful spew so she can feel better about her choice). Apparently she said she told S9 about OM and how she feels about him, and that D is happening. Epic parenting moment there I am sure she wanted to do some damage control. She has been better with him, I will give her that .. hopefully that does not fall off aswell .. time will tell. For the most part I just let her blow the phone up, even told her there was no need to rehash it as I was done. I did truth dart her when she was letting me know about "true love' reminding her OM cheated on his wife and her ... hence the gift of herpes ... but Love must be blind deaf and dumb I suppose.
I came home ... grabbed my phone charger, hugged S and told him I would see him in the morning. I could tell he was upset but not like I could really talk with W hovering around. I then let her blow my phone up some more without replying and went to watch DeadPool ... was actually a nice break and I enjoyed the movie.
I guess now I am just confused. Not about what I need to do ..dropping rope and moving out and on. But I walked the Dog and really am not sure what God is wanting from me. For those new, I was not a religious person so much before BD, the old saying you how He is found in Foxholes applies to me, I hit rock bottom, I was broken and recall vividly over 2 years ago I got on my knees and prayed/cired and asked for help. Slowly and surely He delivered. I went through RCIA and became Catholic knowing my M is the only one the church recognizes and I was/am ok with that. His plan and whatever He wants from me I am good with. But I did question him a bit tonight.... why .. why put me through this past year... I accepted D and then Whamm ... she seemed to have a change in heart and attempted to reconnect/reconile ... and poof like it came it was gone. I get she was not ready, and possibly there is just to much damage. I mean what I seen today ,.,,,, this is not her, never ... and the fact I seen it, left it up on her Mac with the note (Do not worry S would not have seen it) ... if she ever wakes she will cringe ... hell I am embarrassed for her. I have not posted things she said because I was embarrassed for her ... I have not told anyone the TRUE story as I am embarrassed for her.
ok .. end rant. As I said .. who knows what happens here but I am getting away from this for my own sanity, I am not sure what/where God is directing me to go but I can not stay here.
