KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

My rational friends IRL who have been in long term relationships all keep telling me my expectations and needs were not unrealistic, and that people who care and are invested don't jump ship when you bring those things up. I need to keep working on believing them. It's hard though. I think having low self-esteem (whether already there or exacerbated by this whole thing) leads me to have this blame absorbing mentality - he wasn't interested enough = it's my fault = i'm not good enough. But there's probably a reason I was crying every night the whole week leading up to the breakup, and talking to my friends about how I wasn't sure how this was going to go, and how I felt like I didn't know which end was up - my gut was talking. At least I hope it was that and not making self-fulfilling prophecies out of past insecurities. I can say pretty confidentially that I was not asking him questions because I didn't trust him or thought he was doing things to hurt me - I was just being conversational and wanted to know about his day/week/things he was looking forward to!

Maybell, I appreciate what you said about still being a work in progress but that your guy was emotionally mature enough to handle it and support it. If we waited to date until we were 100% that could be.. indefinitely. I think we're all works in progress. I hope I can find someone that will be supportive and understanding when an insecurity pops up, instead of saying they understand and then not follow through.

I think I am doing better at picking up on things that are important to me vs. things to watch for, without being swayed by other stuff (or thinking "oh, that's someone I could fix! or that won't leave me!") I was poking around on a dating site and saw "I love living life without an instruction book!" in someone's profile. Sounds fun in theory but nope, I know that 's going to end up being bad news for someone like me. On the other hand, someone that writes, or even says, something like "I'm looking for a good communicator and someone to share a lot of my life with" - is more in line with my values, even if we don't have some of the same interests or hobbies.

Things I am grateful for today
-an email I got about a chartered flight/hotel deal to Biloxi, MS, where apparently there are a good deal of casinos (which led me to start thinking about vacations!)
-my friends who have been listening to me analyze this endless and are constantly reassuring me that I didn't "make" this relationship end and it's not about me being crazy or needy
-the white chocolate mocha I had this morning (we have to start somewhere..)
-my two kitties
-the caramel pumpkin swirl candle I have lit right now
-A v-day card I got in the mail from my mom with $20. While I know I can't rely on her support right now, the card is still appreciated.
-I have a nice apartment that thankfully I didn't give up for the next lease term (after spending a lot of time on craigslist searching for possible apts for me and XBF after he brought up living together)
-I really like my job and have great colleagues and students. They're awesome and my university is awesome despite our current political situation

Can I just say that just because people are family, doesn't mean you can rely on them... one of my sisters (age 27) texted me to ask how I was doing today. I said "still really sad, this [censored]." Her response: "Now you know how I feel when you and XH got married and I was left out of everything.."? What?
Me: "But you had (her husband) that whole time? He was there"
Sister: "yeah but we had a lot of troubles with living apart and him not wanting to move to an apartment with me"

I'm not sure where this is coming from but I have enough care for myself that I'm not going to get involved in this drama/revisiting past wrongs/whatever when I'm having a difficult enough time as it is. Sigh.