Help- I just want to say thanks for responding. My husband and I are still ML. More now than when he lived w/me. He seems to be always rearing to go He use to aske me to things for him (like strip show) I Have been doing some of those things. At 1st he said that it seemed like i was just doing it to get him back home. Noiw he is asking for me to wear certain things and do certain things.He continues to tell me that he loves me.
We had a bad counseling experience and he was totally turned off by it. When he 1st left he said it was too late and he didn't want to work on R! No R talk in about 5 wks. Yes, he does blame it all on me. It is all my fault. His A and mine(he only speculates mine) i never admitted and Counselor said not to.
I think that he is frustrated with M problems He notices change but not sure they will stick
I also can not shake the feeling of maybe an EA going on(no proof) He stays w/his mom and is never missing in action. I see him atleast 4xs aweek becase of our 10 year old son and his many activities. I ask no questions about if Ow(anymore that is) I haven't in about 1 month. its killing me but i think it is killing him that i dont ask any questions.
Baby Steps
H has not mention D in about 1 month H is intiating Ml all the time H wants to know why I am online all the time H called and asked if I could take my son to B-Ball practice because uhe was going to play B-Ball(let me know his whearabouts) I came home from a metting and he and S were eating take out. H asked had I had something to eat yet. We had arobbery in the neighborhood and he said that if anyone is supicious or bothers me to call him because he would kill someone over me(does this sound like a man that wants a D? H said do you really think I would let someone hurt you? Reassured me by saying Honey, there is no one else, no one else ids taking care of me. That reassurance came without me asking for it. I haven't asked every since. Said he had to scold a couple of children (neighbors for bad behavior) does this means he still feels connected to home? H camwe over and changed all batteries in smoke alarms H called at 1am and said what is S doing? Sleep of course but I know he wanted to talk to me.He offred to tell me that he had just gotten in from watching the fights.he wanted to know how I spent my day. I called him on a SAt nite he asked whre I was and offered to tell me that he was w/mutual friends Mutual friend said he asked her if S and myself still palnned on going to Disney this summer H was on his way to drop S off, he called me and asked if I wanted him to bring me something to eat My sister and brother said that he calls them off and on(is he trying to stay connected?) I took S to a party for his brothers step daughter and he called when he was on his way and asked me if I were still going. I said yes and he said i will meet you there. It was a skating party so i put on skates and joined kids(180 for me) He was standoffish while there but when it was time to go he asked if we were ready(although we came in separate cars. H came in morning to take S jogging and said can you make us breakfast? I said yes and he said your a good baby. He use to say that all the time! I bought him a piece of strwberry shortcake and he said thank you so much honey(pet names slipping out) He came back that night to ML but didn't stay(not sure why he doesn't stay) He stayed once and the other times he hangs around for a while and then goes back to moms. I goy home from work Tues and he has a load in the washer, cooking something to eat and lying on the couch wrapped in a blanket. I said what is wrong and he said he was sick. I made hi some Tea and he slept for a couple of hours and took son to B-Ball practice. My sister-in-law said he told them to come over to the house Saturday morning after ny S B-Ball game and she said is W going to be there and he said I have a key and she said I know that but I just wanted to make sure I am gonna have company. Is khe beginning to fell more comfy at home? Inviting people over? Sorry so long . please help. any advice is appreciated.
Thanks, Nitaf
I know that this is lenghty but can someone tell me what I should do from here? still no R talk and why is he sometimes standoffish outside of the home?
Nitaf, I see lots of positives here. I would say to continue doing what you are doing, he seems to be moving towards you. Don't pursue, don't pressure, give him space. He seems to be moving back towards you on his own. Let him do it at his own pace and good luck. Keep us posted.
I sometimes think that my H's pride is in the way of him coming home. If he comes home than all the world will know (in his mind) that he was wrong for leaving. I am not even saying that he is wrong. I don't think anyone else wants anything but our family together. My H has a huge go and a lot of fullish pride.
EX. He had an A about 1.5 years ago. I had an from 8/03-11/03. About a month ago he says what kind of man did you think i was that you could do that do me and i would be able to trust you again or come back? I said why do you hold me to higher standards thjan you hold for yourself? What kind of woman AM I to forgive you and want our M back?
Rott, on Sat. my H came over we ML and ate, watche tv. Sunday he came and had dinner when he dropped S off. When he was leaving I rubbed his back and said enjoy the rest of your day. He said i'll try but i'll probably sleep 1/2 of it away. Does he want me to know that he has nothing to do? I also told him that I start Tennis lessons 2morrow and he said that is nice where. When I told him where he suggested that i go to a place close to where his mom lives.
Hmmmm...alot of great signs. I would experiment with "mystery" more. What if you didn't answer the phone when he called? Don't accept all of his invites to go out to eat.
As far as ML, if you are comfortable doing that than continue. I think Michelle would agree. If you ever feel uncomfortable with it, turn the offer down and see what happens.
Wiley gave me alot of great suggestions on "giving up." Maybe give your H more of the illustion that you are moving on with or without him, it really doesn't matter.
I agree a lot of positive things. If he wants to know why you are on line so much, maybe you should tell him about this board and how it is helping you to better your relationship with him. Pride may have a lot to do with it. Great bby steps!! Once I moved out of OM' s place I used to always tell him oh, I will probably go home and do laundry or watch t.v., when I dropped d off I used to always let him know that I will be going home to do nothing, with nobody. Keep up the good work.
Nik, I am skeptical about giving him the illusion about moving on without him because I don't want him to think there is someone else because having A's are a part of aour problem.Do you think that mystery would make him think there is someone else and tell himself I knew she didn't want me and feel better about the S?
Last night he came in after he dropped S10 off and ate and went on-line. He said I need to get a laptop because I don't want to keep taking over your computer. How could I let something that small make me feel like he is never coming home because he said "your computer"? I take everything so personal..........
I start tennis lessons tonight. I am very excited about that. Thanx, Nitaf
Hi Anita, do you have any experience with letting your S know that you have been ob this BB? I don't want my H to see it as some form of manipulation or something. He may see some of the tactics as manipulative. How do you feel about mystery? I don't want him to think that he left for the right reasons and she is having an A. How do I incorprate mystery without making him feel that I am moving on to someone else?
How long were you with OM? You use to tell Om that you were going home to do wash or watch TV? Were you really going home just to be closer to your family ? It seems that my H is fine and comfortable with this arrangement but he has gotta feel some of my pain. I cried myself to sleep last nite and i had a backslide because I called him @ 1am just to say I was thinking about you . But I have pulled myself up by the boot starps and am rearing to fight for my M! I was mhaving doubts last nit about why can't he see that it is worth saving? Why does he hold me to higher standards than he holds himself? Why does he feel like he has tried so hard but yet he did nothing but the same ole, Same ole. The definition of insanity-doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That was us and probably many of you........
My h dropped S off and had dinner. He went online and then said i need to buy a laptop so I can stop hogging your computer. That one comment made me feel like he is never coming home. "Your computer" amking sure I know that it is not ours but mine......argh
