People in MLC tend to self loathe, like your wife.
My description of MLC is "take the most physical pain you can imagine and then transfer that pain right into your mind. During my MLC(mine was an internal MLC)my goal was just to make it to the end of the day without dying. There were days I thought I would actually die from the mental pain.
My MLC took 2 1/2 yrs start to finish. I think my EXW is in an external MLC(Cheating, lying, drinking etc). All things outside yourself.
My trigger may have been my twin brother's suicide. Not totally sure about that.
I like spirituality. I think it makes us better people. Alas spirit was my original name, then I went on hiatus to live my life. Came back as mirage....That symbols paradox to me. Meaning what were supposed to see is not always what we see. Like putting puzzle pieces together. We learn as we go.
My EXW and I probably have had 3 conversations over the 6 yrs since seperation. I really like my life. I don't think she does. My daughter said recently "I think mom hates how well your life turned out". I would not want the woman she is now. She is still running from something and can turn monster very quickly. She turns on the kids at times and is angry many times.
I got into meditation as a result of my MLC. I practiced it from 1/2 way through my MLC to the present. The gift it gave me was to quiet my mind. Most peoples minds run constantly 24/7. I was able to shut it off. Really amazing the benefit it has on your mindset. I would highly recommend it.
I met a couple wonderful people that shared their MLC stories with me. It helped me know there was an other side to this depression. A way through or a way out. Their stories were almost unbelievable. The problem is you find very few people who make it through the tunnel and come out a complete, whole, person on the other side. Many get stuck at various levels of completion.
That's why the GAL, the heal yourself first, BD tools, they teach here are necessary. Become the best self you can in case your MLCer comes back. If not your going to have a great life anyway.
Wet, from all I read from your story you are doing great. I get why you want to stand, I get where you are. Be the rock because she can't be at this time. I don't have a crystal ball, there is no magic bullit through MLC. It takes a lot of internal work to get through. Most people take the external MLC route and that just makes it a much longer journey.
I will say this. You carry all the cards. You can decide what you will accept and what you won't. You can decide whether you want a relationship or not. you have the power to make this life wonderful.
I know this journey [censored] at times. But the some of the lessons will benefit you greatly.
