Just wanted to reach out and say I think you should be very proud of all you did and are doing to try to be strong to either save your marriage or become a very strong and improved person. I sometimes also feel like I didn't do enough but we have to forgive ourselves in order to move forward. My H also talks about how he "deserves to be happy" yet is still unhappy. And he still filed for divorce and moved out. I don't think they really know what they are doing but it's so tragic to let a marriage fall apart without trying. My humble advice would be to ignore his text and treat yourself kindly tonight. It must've been incredibly difficult to move out.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Thank you both for the responses Thornton and broke. I appreciate your feedback.
So my musings over the last 48 hours...... I'm feeling really frustrated with my current sitch and am sensing that I'm ready to move on. I think I'm done. I know I shouldn't make any decisions based on how I'm feeling right now. But, yep... I think I'm done. Really done. I don't want h back. He's done and said so many things that just disrespect me as a human being and I hate to sound cliche.... But I know I deserve to be treated better than this. I'm a good person and I've had put so much energy into "this".... Without an ounce of anything in return. I'm holding on to nothing.
I've been feeling pretty upset about this... And am crying about this right now... But it's just not right. I think I need to give myself permission to move on... And yeah- that means date. I never saw myself here, but I feel ready.
Someone smack me with a 2x4 if I'm being irrational. I can take it. I just have no reason or emotional connection to h right now.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Thanks Zues- I have a sheepish grin on my face now. 2x4 received. For the record the "I just want to be happy" statement was his reason for not working on this ~1 year ago.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
It's hard to explain my perspective because so many people view things differently. But I am a big advocate of Dr. Joy Browne's "1 year rule". This means you don't consider dating until 1 full year after the ink on the divorce is dried. Not from when you move out, or separate, or stop having sex. From when the divorce is final. You can google search it, she goes on to explain how anything sooner and you bring so many wounds into the next relationship that it causes everyone more pain and stunts growth.
My IC told me 3-5 years to recover from divorce.
How it looks to me, picture if you will if your H was instead sick in the hospital. Possibly terminal, but maybe not...but not much fun to be around. This is the 'in sickness' part of the marriage. So...if your H was in the hospital bed...would you date? What if he died? Would you wait a week to date? Or a month?
See, from this perspective a year looks pretty normal. Gosh, if I had lost XW in a car crash I wouldn't have been dating the next week.
Divorce is just as real of a loss. Right now you aren't divorced. Your marriage is sick. You're no where near in a spot to be either single or at peace.
But while if he was sick or dead you wouldn't be dating, now you want to...that's because you need validation, you crave attention, you want your needs met, you want what you want...and you wouldn't mind him seeing how you deserve more, or that you have value to others, or that you won't be bullied, etc, etc. But's it's all in reaction to H. I know this because, as I said, if he was dying, you would be grieving not retaliating.
So I'd urge you to commit to the 1 year rule, to look at all of your desires to go find happiness elsewhere as a sign of where you need to grow, and to stand by your vows like you expected him to. Act with the character you wish he had. If you can't, it's not fair to expect him to.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I guess I am pressuring myself to want to find someone new because I'm up against my biological clock. While I would love to heal in the most healthy way possible, I fear that the window to safely have biological children will slowly be getting narrower and narrower. I know it's going to take time to find someone, fall in love, get married and then have children. Meanwhile, My h is going to be 46 in a few weeks and he shut the door on having kids.
Do I choose the option that will increase my chances of having kids or do I stay committed to my non- existent marriage? This is something I keep asking myself.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Feyth I have been in this position and it's not a choice anyone should have to make. And there is no right answer there is only life, and making the best decisions for you at the time they present themselves.
GAL, and become emotionally and physically healthy as you can be and hand over the rest to your Higher Power, or to whoever you feel is walking this path with you.
Some practical advice, go and have your fertility tested NOW. Find out what your body is doing and this may provide you with a wider lense with which to view your sitch. For all you know you are running on the fertility hormones and have a bountiful amount of eggs, that of a 25 year old, or you could be at the other end you could be running low and you may need to consider preemptive measures.
Sorry Zues I am disagreeing with you here ( I know your position on no divorce at any cost - and in most instances I would agree).
It is one thing to come to infertility (biological reasons/ or unexplained infertility) as a couple and choose to move through it, over time. But it quite another when one person desires children and the other does not.
If children are an absolute non-negotiable and are a heart and souls desire for you, please don't compromise this.
Not having children is definitely something you can live with. I have a great life and get my needs met through my work with children and the children of my friends.
In saying that there is a piece of my heart that will always yearn for something I can't have. A relationship where one has compromised this kind of hearts desire because one party didn't want it, is posion to a relationship in my opinion. To work through it with a partner takes great commitment, love and intention.
The other thing I potentially would caution you on is the rush to find the father of your child. When the pressure is there to find this person, we can fail to fully take account of the person we are considering. I hate to say this, but I will say it anyway (likely to Zuessy head shaking at me - I think I often provoke this response - Love ya Zues). I always hope that the qualities that make a great husband, will make a great father and vice versa. This is not always the case. Choose wisely Feyth. Sometimes the deseparation to have children can make us blind.
I really wish I had discussed this issue with a counsellor or therapist and came to my hearts desire, prior to completely losing the opportunity. I would have made different choices.
I really do wish you well. This road is a challenging one. But please know life is good regardless.
Did you want kids when you got married? Did he tell you he didn't? What's the background there?
I still vote for formal separation. If WAH decides to file and/or have an affair, fine, divorce him, get your head straight, and you'll have time to start a family.
If he comes back, he might be open to having children for your sake. Hard to know what the future holds. But I guess I'd like more info there.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I guess I am pressuring myself to want to find someone new because I'm up against my biological clock. While I would love to heal in the most healthy way possible, I fear that the window to safely have biological children will slowly be getting narrower and narrower. I know it's going to take time to find someone, fall in love, get married and then have children. Meanwhile, My h is going to be 46 in a few weeks and he shut the door on having kids.
Do I choose the option that will increase my chances of having kids or do I stay committed to my non- existent marriage? This is something I keep asking myself.
Hey Feyth... this is exactly my thought process too! I get nervous that I am running out of time to find someone my own age and start a family. I really wanted that with WW but regardless of her deal I still want a family. I am surprised that WW is not feeling the same pressure (maybe she is, I dunno). I had thought she wanted a family, but maybe I was just blind and she didn't. Maybe that is a reason she left. There is a thought.
Anyway, sorry for the slight hijack. It is a tough spot and I really do not know where to go from here. Just wanted to let you know I fully understand where you are coming from.
