Just highlighting some things that I think are important from today's interactions with H but do feel free to offer thoughts/suggestions if you have any:
1. He just wants some peace. (Me: I thought you'd had peace for the last 3 months, H: It doesn't feel like it). Note to self - go darker! Possibly do not be in same room when he visits?
2. He thinks he is stepping up as a father right now! Very sad that he thinks how he treats them right now is being a good father. Note to self - need to remind myself constantly that H is not himself and this is as much as he can give right now.
3. H looks sad permanently, never smiles, still struggling to sleep, still angry all the time. Note to self - I am not the cause of this and I cannot make H see that he needs some help.
4. H doesn't like it when I do things with kids without him knowing even though I know nothing about what he is up to when he's not here. Is this a sign that being dark is working?
5. H wants me to do things with him and kids 'because the kids will want me to.' Is this really him wanting me to go but he can't say it as it would show some kind of softening on his part?
6. I have felt happier the last few days since deciding to make a few changes in the house (decorative) without so much as a mention to H. Feel like I am taking some control of my own life back instead of feeling like I am thrashing about in H's ocean of chaos.
