Here again after 9 years and struggling 4

[inpain]

It is sad, but when I look back, the kids and I have always been an unbelievably close family of 3 with H just tagging along when he wasn't working.

This is how I felt in my M. Only from my perspective, I had been excluded and edged out by XW who had become 100% mom and 0% wife, who put the children ahead of me, who used the children to meet her emotional needs, who was a SAHM and acted as if she was the 'real' parent and I was just some big oaf that they should be exposed to in control environments for periods of time because it was 'healthy' for them to know their dad.

Hi Zues, thanks for dropping by, I've missed your posts and your thoughts on my situation! I'm sorry your M was like that, it doesn't sound like a nice situation at all. I didn't mean that I had shut H out of our lives when I said the bit you've quoted. I meant that we were a close family of 3 with H just tagging along when he wasn't working because my H worked such awful hours that the kids and I had no choice but to do things on our own and even when he wasn't working he really wasn't that interested.

Funny thing is, now that I have my own place and my own relationship with the kids, I am every bit as close with them if not more so that they are with their mother. I am an amazing dad, and I do great things. It turns out that I never could have had this relationship with XW floating around and controlling everything. Men hate criticism, so for me to be playing with kids and have her giving me 'feedback' on what kind of a dad I was, well, wrong though it was I allowed this to drive me from the family.l

It's great that you're a great Dad and close to your kids now. I hope that my H steps up and becomes like that, whatever happens in our situation. Sadly, the way he is behaving at the moment he seems to be too selfish to become that kind of Dad. He chooses to spend his free time doing something else. I don't know what, but he sure isn't spending any of his daylight free time with them.

At some point a fixed schedule will be set up. And at some point it will involve him having the children somewhere else. So let me ask- have you talked to a DB coach about this?

I wish I could talk to a DB coach about the whole thing Zues but I'm in the UK and really can't afford the fees. I wish I could.

I didn't want you to rush things, but if this set up isn't working maybe it's time to push things along and get some type of formal schedule, maybe even a legal separation. I might be mixing up sitches but I'm pretty sure WAH has had serial affairs, right? I'm concerned at this point that he is happy with the current sitch as he can have his cake and eat it.

I'm concerned about this too Zues. Yes, you're right he has had several As with the same OW over a period of many years on and off. I'm afraid to push things but at the same time this current situation is not working.

Tonight H came round after not seeing the kids since his very brief visit on Saturday morning. He seemed put out that I hadn't asked him to tag along for the day yesterday. He looked drained and miserable. S upset him by showing him something he'd written to me the other day when he was upset. He had written how he would never forgive his Dad and didn't want to see him. H reacted by telling S he didn't find it appropriate that he write such things. Before that he had asked what our plans were for tomorrow and has suggested bowling - one of the ideas I was going to do with the kids. I told him I had to wait in for a delivery (which is true). He didn't seem happy about me not being able to go but I said it was something he'd have to get used to and I asked why he wanted me to go. He said it's because the kids will want me to go. I maybe reading too much into it but I think he is still very confused. He got very angry because I'd 'stopped him leaving' by pausing at the door to tell him I had to wait in for a delivery. He said he can't stop being angry and is angry all the time and that he just wants some peace. I tried to apologise for S's note and explained that he is a very upset and confused little boy. He got angry about that too and said that I am blind to S's behaviour and that S only wrote those words to get out of trouble. H really seems to think that this isn't affecting anyone, that we're all perfectly happy. He even said that he is still stepping up as a father despite having moved out. I had to bite me tongue at that - this is why I worry about what kind of father the children will have if we D - if he thinks how he is treating them now is 'stepping up as a father'.

After tonight's interactions and seeing H so tense about such a little thing as a quick chat at the door I am really worried that he is ill. Maybe this is just a MLC trait but it really does not seem rational to be so angry all of the time.