Long time

[Nel]

Just getting my thoughts out because I can't share this with anyone here.

I'm discouraged and second guessing myself on everything. I told H when he filed the second time for D last month to just leave me alone. And he is. He even wants to chop the waiting period down to 60 days, which I have not agreed to. It is usually 6 months in my state. It's like he can't be done with me fast enough, and it hurts. Last year he did the same thing (offered to wait only 4 months instead of 6 months so it wouldn't be so painful for me), except after only a month he was back.

In December H said, "If I hadn't pulled the papers in August, we would be healed by now." I replied, "No way!" ...and then he said, "Well we would be in a different place emotionally." This was as he was sinking into his winter depression which I've notice in the past few years goes from mid-Nov through Feb. All BDs have been in Jan and Feb.

So I'm still dark and only text him if absolutely needed about financials or D17. I KNOW this is what I'm supposed to do. But I feel like I'm losing him even more.... I can't believe with all the things he said and did from last March through the beginning of November that this is happening.

Last March when H came back, he told me his anger was gone. So I know that the anger covers up all other emotions that he feels for me. All spring, summer, and fall, I had "my guy" back. In mid-November, I think there was some type of trigger because his anger and resentment toward me was back. He then starting saying how I deserved to be loved, how he wasn't happy, how he was doing what he supposed to do-not what he wanted to do. I was in disbelief! Where did "my guy" go? Obviously back into the tunnel. It is so frustrating. Now he has his own house in another town...his own life that I know nothing about. I'm having such a hard time detaching this time.

Nel