WW hope to reconcile

[J5K]

V

She actually asked if we need to get tested. I told her I do not and asked if she does and she stated no.

I believe she has more of an EA than a PA but I will have to tread lightly on when I bring this up.

[Vanilla]

So why did she ask?

It can't be she thinks you had a PA?

Thought not!

V

[Vanilla]

You ok sweetheart?

V

[J5K]

Hello everyone.

I apologize for not posting sooner. Did not have any alone time to be able to update.

W decided to stay here for her visit with the boys and we are going to MC tomorrow.

This past weekend has been up and down. W and I had fun together. We went out to dinner on Thursday and had a good time at a new restaurant that we had not been to.

Friday was her day to spend with the boys while I was working.

Saturday and Sunday kind of went back to our normal routine.

W has been up and down about things. She is not happy she is back but says she is doing it for the sake of the boys.

We have conversations about the boys and our R and each time she talks about it she blames everything on me.

I am still validating her comments and working on my 180s.
Things seem to be going well but have a long road ahead.

She starts to explain to me that all she wanted was space and for me to pursue her and the boys and be in Toronto together as a family.

Many things she stated are clear to me now but were not 2 months ago.

She has committed to spend more time in Michigan but stated she will need certain weekends off to go back to Toronto. I was surprised she offered this up but praised her for the decision she made to come raise the boys knowing that she does not want to live in Michigan any more.

She stated that she thought that when we adopted the boys that she would be ok with just being a mom but she admitted she needs more than that. I was supportive and told her I understood and will support her in her new endeavors however I can.

She continues to question the R but also speaks positively about things for the sake of the boys. That we will be moving into the new house together as a family.

She also stated she felt like a horrible person to me. She was upset and started crying because she stated that she needed to untangle some relationships back in Toronto.

I asked her if there was anything I should know about? She asked "what would you like to know?" I stated that maybe we should table the details for another time. So we just left it at her admitting that she has gone out and "dated" at least 2 if not more OMs.

One in particular she admitted was pressuring her a lot. She stated she would need to return the necklace he gave her. I played it off like "OK understand".

W is a psychology major and has made a lot of valid points about my reactions to things in the past that have made a negative contribution to the R. The good thing is she sees that I am changing. I just hope that I can continue to do this and give her the comfort level she is looking for sometime down the road. At this point she is still very angry with me as she continues to blame me for keeping her away from her baby and states she will never forgive me for that.

How do you get someone to forgive?

Apologize for being long winded, I will post more specific sitches in the future.

[Squiggy]

That's a lot to digest, Jim. You need to be very careful here. I think she made it very clear that she is still wayward. I don't want you to act on impulse and welcome her back without commitment back to the M.

She is spewing at you and blaming EVERYTHING on you without taking any responsibility for her actions or contributions, even though she has been horrible to you? Surely a psych major (which holds no bones in the psych world, btw) would be able to see that relationships are complicated dichotomies based upon the interactions of both parties where each member plays a role in the homeostasis that is developed... I could go into this at length, since my specialization is in family.

Good job on validating her identifying areas of improvement, and at the same time make sure you are making these changes for yourself. Your W should appreciate and love you for who you are, not what you've done for her.

She starts to explain to me that all she wanted was space and for me to pursue her and the boys and be in Toronto together as a family.

You or OM(s) to pursue her? I'm kind of hesitant about believing this statement....

She is not happy she is back but says she is doing it for the sake of the boys.

Is that enough for you? Evidence demonstrates that staying married for the sake of the children could be even more detrimental than divorce. As a matter of fact, a "low conflict" divorce is more damaging than an abusive one to the children. Look into this fact.

She was upset and started crying because she stated that she needed to untangle some relationships back in Toronto.

I asked her if there was anything I should know about? She asked "what would you like to know?" I stated that maybe we should table the details for another time. So we just left it at her admitting that she has gone out and "dated" at least 2 if not more OMs.

So what you are your transparency and NC plans?

How do you get someone to forgive?

You don't. You continue to grow and make the changes you need to within and for yourself. It is then up to them to make the decision to forgive or not. Stay within what you can control.

[sandi2]

So let me get this straight. Your very WW comes back, calls it reconciling,and she lays out the stipulations that you have to do to keep her there? She blames you for everything and you are basically validating and catering?

Sigh...........

[J5K]

Squiggly,

She stated she wanted me to pursue her. Not sure I believe this statement anymore either but on Friday she said that she has some relationships she needs to untangle back in Toronto.

Her being back for the boys is enough for me right now. They miss her and they are having issues with her being gone. She set a schedule and will be back for about a week and a half at a time. Can't predict the future on whether she will choose to go through with the D but I have to let things play out. Right now D is on hold.

Back to the untangling statement. I did not put any demands in front of her but told her I understood her sitch. As far as NC, I will continue to speak to her about the kids and not ask anything unless she wants to share. She stated one person was pushing hard for an R with her and that she needed to meet with him to give him back the necklace. I told her to do what she needs to do. She did want to be intimate with me on Thursday and Friday and we were. She slept in our bed all weekend.

I let myself get sucked in to kind of the same routine again over the time she was here but realize on need to improve my DB skills some more. We spoke on the phone on Monday while I was at work and she said that it drives her crazy that I keep using these passive/validating statements with her that she thinks I am getting from my therapist. She stated that she interprets that as me saying "whatever".

She asked me to tell her how I really felt. So I did but not sure that moved things in a positive direction because Monday night she was distant from me.

Although this was the first of many days that we will be together in the near future, I have learned that I have to hone my skills on DBing.

[J5K]

Sandi,

She continues to change the story all the time. The only thing I have ever stated to her is that she can't have everything. Probably the wrong statement to make.

I have told her that she has made choices also and that she plays a part in this. Every time I do this she becomes more distant.

She continues to say we need to be in the same city for the sake of the kids and I told her that if she chooses to have us live separately that is no different than a D and that the boys will always have a hole in their hearts by not having both parents living under the same roof. She pushes back by saying "see it is always about you and me and not about the boys". These are probably things I should not say.

[J5K]

We went to MC today. I liked the therapist. She gathered some history about us. Therapist asked what were the positives that I thought about W. I told her my list. W then was asked the same question and she did not have a whole lot of positives to say about me anymore.

Therapist realizes that W is still very angry with me. We have IC sessions set up for next week.

I don't think the session went well today because I started to say how I felt and she continued to react as if we were having an argument but this time it was without yelling because we were had another person in the room with us.

Anxiety and emotions are high with me again. Glad I get a break from her for a few more days since she is going back to Toronto. Can move on with doing what needs to get done around the house.

On the plus side, she did laundry and a few more things than I thought she would while she was here.

On a positive note, therapist did ask if W has seen changes in me and W did agree even though they may be small.

Will continue to fight the good fight.

[sandi2]

Her being back for the boys is enough for me right now. They miss her and they are having issues with her being gone. She set a schedule and will be back for about a week and a half at a time. Can't predict the future on whether she will choose to go through with the D but I have to let things play out. Right now D is on hold.

Plus, she has R's she needs to still untangle? Do you even know if she's calling this reconciling or not?

I think you are making a mistake, but you are going to do what you want to do. I know it must be terrible seeing those little boys suffer. It just makes me angry to know she chose to break the family apart, and she's the one who took off.....now she has the gall to tell you that you both need to live in the same town (meaning of course, you moving to her town).

I don't buy into her wanting you to pursue her. What she wants is to have men pursue her. She is very wayward and just b/c she came home for a couple of days, does not change that fact.

What really concerns me, too, is the fact she told you there was another man who was pushing for a R, and she said she was there just for the boys.....and then you have sex with her? Please.....please, do not have unprotected sex when you know she's has been dating and possibly engaging in sex with someone else. Somehow, I just don't see her being completely honest about everything. Protect yourself.

Yes, you got sucked in, alright.....and temperature checked real good!