Hi Max, just saw your post. You ask a really good question, and one that is not simple to answer (without knowing your W).
The first thing I would probably ask, if I were counseling, would be how was your sex life in the M before things blew apart?
Quote:
I read your post where WS need time to get back in the mood and to be weary if they jump back in soon after. Is this what is happening or am I being played?
Right, and remember that when I make these type of statements I am referring to the majority. If I were talking one on one and finding out more individual details....it may be more fined tuned.
Generally speaking, women usually have to get one man out of their system before they can let another one in. That includes having sex and sexual touching, usually. I don't know about this youngest generation anymore, but back in the day, most women emotionally tied love and sex together, unless there was some type of profit behind her sex acts.
It's not just a matter of her being in the mood or not, but how far along the road of withdrawals she has gotten. The WW is dealing with a lot of shifting in feelings. She once loved her H, then that love died....or so she thought, so then she loved another man....or so she thought, but then she had to end her feelings for OM and find her original feelings for her H again. That's a lot of internal stuff going on. Maybe it's easier and faster for some women than others, and maybe some women are sexually high driven enough that it's not an obstacle for them. I'm just saying what I have observed over the years.
Some of the wisest words I heard were, "Women want to make up, in order to have sex. Men want to have sex, in order to make up". Many LBH'S look for the W to initiate sex, b/c to him it will be a very good sign that the MR is on it's way to healing. For her, however, she needs more healing before she's ready for the sex. (In most cases). If I had to make a guess, I'd say it looks as if your W is putting effort into it.....she just isn't quite there, yet.
There was a poster a year or so ago, who had a WW in an active PA. Long story short, she went from sleeping with the OM one night to having sex with her H two nights later. Her H was elated! I kept warning him that the MR was not fixed, that nothing had been resolved.....but hey, he was getting sex at least a couple times per day, so he was happy. He left pretty soon afterwards and haven't heard anymore. Now that woman, I did not trust. Nothing about how she approached her H was decent (she literally sneaked in the back door and got into his bed) or respectable. Of course, that was my opinion, but the way she was doing it was like she was making it look shady or dirty (they were separated at the time). She didn't want anyone knowing for a while, b/c she liked the feeling of keeping it secret.....as if it were wrong (much like her affair) and sneaking around from house to house after midnight. No discussion about what she'd done to destroy the M, no talk about what they would need to do to heal, and she certainly never showed any remorse for her behavior. So yeah, I think she just found a certain amount of thrill in using her H to slip around in the dark and skrew b/c she had grown tired of the OM. Was she genuine about wanting to make her M work again? Well, I sure had my doubts! Do I think she's an example of how most WW's are when returning to their H? Nope! The best I remember, they claimed they were just taking each day as it came. And, I felt pretty sure how that whole story was going to play out.
Was she playing her LBH? I'd say so. If her aim was to just go back home and bypass any of the work she needed to do, she found a sleazy way of doing it. However, I can't place all the fault at her feet, when he was the one coming to the board and getting the information about what to expect and what needed to happen to make it work. He did not want to say or do anything to stop the sex horse that found her way through the dark and entered his house. Who knows how long that lasted.
I believe some WW's play their H b/c the W knows she can pretty much get her way as long she's giving him all the sex she wants. Right? Right! Like I said, some will use sex for profit. If she wants to go back home, but she's still as wayward as Lucifer in her heart....she may take on the sex, knowing it will get her back in the door.....and he'll finally settle down and things will go back to how it use to be.
If I were you, I'd check to see if her words, attitude, behavior, and actions matched. It may take some more work to get there, but if you are seeing her show respects through her words, attitude, behavior and actions....the loving feelings will follow.
Use her LL she needs, and don't wait till bedtime to do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
