Roar& Thorton- Yes I have decided that I am now just going to lie to everyone in my real life. Well not even LIE..just very basics.
Are you doing okay: sure I'm fine. -not a lie, just not telling them details.
I decided I will DB THE heck out of the time he has given me. If I feel like I will cry, I will pinch my leg, bite my tounge..do something to distract me. (Obviously not self harm just kinda like a chill out and get it together women moment.)
I will be MORE FUN around his family. THE LAST few times I am quiet and sad and just lonely. They see me so sad and lonely. I want the next time to be happy. I love them and they love me and they are stuck with me forever as the mother of their grandbabies.
Even if we get divorced I want to be like my mom and grandma. My mom still calls my grandma mom. They talk on the phone. They still love eachother. I want that. I love these people and honestly the only family I have in this state besides my mom, and I truly love them all. They tell me no matter what they will always love me and they will ways have me in their lives.
No more venting to the real world. Even my closes friends. It made them think I am weak and pathetic and I'm not. I am trying to fix my marriage on my own, while fixing myself.
I will cry alone in private. In the shower, at my house, if I need to cry at my moms I will go on a walk, run to the store, go on a drive. I am no longer letting other people make me feel worse.
I love my husband. I do, even when he is down right awful, I do. I refuse to walk away, give up and spend the REST of MY LIFE wondering what if I WAITED. what IF I GAVE HIM another month. WHAT IF will drive me crazy. I want to know in my heart I DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to keep us together.
You guys are right. MY LIFE. MY CHOICE. IF he leaves and I WASTED 6 months oh well..he waisted 7 years of my life being with me too
