Hurt, lonely, drowning

[mbebos]

New Guy - last thread
New thread. Here was my last post:
I wish I had something good to report. GAL has been non existent. Last couple weekends have been empty. People are either busy, not answering their phones, working in snow removal, or in a few cases some friends had some family medical issues. The depression is really setting in.
Daily meds aren't touching it, and the "in case of emergency" meds help when I feel like I am drowning, but it just delays the pain. I had a 4.5 day weekend due to being really ill at the end of last week, and I wanted to crawl up into a ball and hibernate for 6 months, but sleep doesn't come or doesn't last.

Was supposed to attend a party at the wife's family house over the weekend, but I got uninvited. In the eyes of the MIL I am now the enemy. I did nothing wrong, and I can only chalk it up to guilt that the MIL and I have always been so close that she cannot bear to see me around. The W called and cried saying how sorry she was for her mother's actions. She checked on me repeatedly after that. She is away on another business trip. This party was the moment I was going to deliver the W the apology letter my DB coach and I wrote together.

IC has been stagnant. I go, I complain, he listens, I go home. Waiting for my original IC to come back from leave in mid March.

Prayer is no longer helping. I no longer know what to say. The more I have prayed the worse things have gotten. I feel alone in the dessert. I am losing my strength physically, spiritually, and mentally. I have been able to keep eating, although not all of the choices have been the healthiest.

I have had too many losses in my life, and I feel like I can't handle any more. I want one year. Just one year in my life where I don't have to deal with something major being wrong.

The one thing I am grateful for is my cousin. She has been there for me, calling to check on me, etc. She has been amazing. It makes me sad I didn't see her for 20 years when Dad took off.