Ebbs and flows

[SciDad]

I'm back to posting but I'm not sure what I feel or what I should feel. Someone at my W/Om's work found out about their affair and threatened to go to HR about it. My wife confronted me to ask if I was involved. Of course I wasn't. If I had wanted to go that route I would have done it months ago.

The real problem is that with this new drama OM is contacting my W again. She told me about the initial contact (without me asking), and I voiced my concerns. But then he continued and she tried to hide it. I didn't snoop, but I saw the notification on her phone when she looked (she was next to me on the couch). When I confronted her about it the next day she said it was to protect me, but I told her that secrecy was not the way to protect me - all it did was feed my imagination to come up with scenarios. She agreed, but I don't know if there has been any more contact.

So now I am left feeling all the rage and despair I thought I'd already addressed. I don't trust my wife. She's sneaky and manipulative about OM and the EA, and it's quite possible she will lie to cover her a$$. Are we moving toward piecing? Were we ever? How do I ask without sounding desperate and needy?

Even though I'm fairly certain she wants to move past the OM (She even addressed her time with the OM as her stupid mistake), I'm not sure she knows how. He now has a reason to contact her, and it's setting her spinning. Which then sends me spinning. Do I go back to detaching, maintaining my distance? Or do I provide the support that I think she craves?

I've tried to continue my GAL activities, but my heart isn't in it. I'll reevaluate my feelings, but I think I might need to come up with either a new activity, or some twist to what I'm already doing to make it fresh and new. Right now they feel stale and I'm in a rut.

I hope this feeling passes soon, or that I'm at least able to use it constructively.

[TxHubby]

Nope, he still has ZERO reason to contact her. None whatsoever. If their bad behavior gets exposed at the company then you and her deal with that as a married couple. He can deal with his situation himself. She has ZERO reason to be in contact with him. Remember the path back to marital bliss? A key rule has to be NO CONTACT EVER. That means what it says.

[TxHubby]

With that said, don't blame her for his actions. She can only control herself. Explain that you're a team and that she can't try to protect you. You have to be together on this. Share all information. You are her confidante on how to deal with this affair at the office, not him. He's nothing. He's never to contact her again. Block him on all technology. If looking for another job is an option then she should do that. I understand sometimes that's not feasible but if it is then it removes possible obstacles to you two fixing your M.

[TimR]

I agree with TxHubby. Of course your mind is going to go to some very dark places if she keeps talking to him. Moreover, she should know that is not the way to rebuild trust but further damage it.

[SciDad]

Thanks guys!

I think that what bothers me is that I thought I was becoming my wife's confidante again. With this new drama, it's clear I'm not. That, coupled with my wife's inability to completely block him on all technology is forcing me to realize that we might not me in this together right now. She just doesn't understand how counterproductive it is to still have him around in her life - on any level. Until she realizes that I have no hope for reconciliation.

This realization has had a very negative effects on me and sent me back. I'm almost in as much pain as when I initially found out about the EA. My stomach is in knots. I'm angry. I'm not sleeping well (or at least not waking up rested). Depression is rushing into my psyche. I need to stop this downward spiral fast before something bad happens. I haven't felt like this in decades and I don't like it.

OK, so my plan is to go back to doing stuff for me. GO back to GAL, remind myself that I am important and don't deserve this. And that I am better than the way I feel. So, I'll go back to working out (I've let that slip in the past month). Back to that church (I'm embarrassed to say I only went once). Continue with my music. Prep for my new job. Love my kids and cherish every moment I have with them.

My biggest goal with all this GAL is to detach. I'd been doing well, but I made the mistake of hoping. Hoping my wife had changed, hoping she cared about me, hoping she wanted to work on our marriage. Some of that is probably happening, but I am investing too much mental effort into maintaining hope. I must be more constructive and transformative when it applies to my mental state. I MUST stop looking over my shoulder to see if my wife is coming with me.

Because whether she does or does not won't change my journey.

[TimR]

What a great set of goals you have there! Sounds like you are doing better detaching that me. I am still in the hope phase... While I am not there hoping, I am hurting and thinking about just throwing in the towel. Then I go back to hope and I am going to fight.

I wish you every success in the future.

[TxHubby]

Thanks guys!

I think that what bothers me is that I thought I was becoming my wife's confidante again. With this new drama, it's clear I'm not. That, coupled with my wife's inability to completely block him on all technology is forcing me to realize that we might not me in this together right now. She just doesn't understand how counterproductive it is to still have him around in her life - on any level. Until she realizes that I have no hope for reconciliation.

This realization has had a very negative effects on me and sent me back. I'm almost in as much pain as when I initially found out about the EA. My stomach is in knots. I'm angry. I'm not sleeping well (or at least not waking up rested). Depression is rushing into my psyche. I need to stop this downward spiral fast before something bad happens. I haven't felt like this in decades and I don't like it.

OK, so my plan is to go back to doing stuff for me. GO back to GAL, remind myself that I am important and don't deserve this. And that I am better than the way I feel. So, I'll go back to working out (I've let that slip in the past month). Back to that church (I'm embarrassed to say I only went once). Continue with my music. Prep for my new job. Love my kids and cherish every moment I have with them.

My biggest goal with all this GAL is to detach. I'd been doing well, but I made the mistake of hoping. Hoping my wife had changed, hoping she cared about me, hoping she wanted to work on our marriage. Some of that is probably happening, but I am investing too much mental effort into maintaining hope. I must be more constructive and transformative when it applies to my mental state. I MUST stop looking over my shoulder to see if my wife is coming with me.

Because whether she does or does not won't change my journey.

I went through the same back and forth thing with my WW spanning at least two dozen false hope's and almost 2 years wasted. It was horrible. I'd be happy then she'd revert and crush me again.

I finally had enough and drew the line in the sand. I filed and had her served. I was sick of limbo and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt this was it. The fish or cut bait moment. I was going to be fine either way. In my case that brought her around. It may work for you or it may not. You know your W better than any of us...or maybe nobody knows her right now because she's not really in her right mind. Cheaters never are. That fog really messes with their ability to make healthy and rational decisions. The fact that she thinks she can end an A but keep the person in her life tells me she's still deep DEEP in the fog. If she wasn't she'd know how ridiculous that is.

As long as she's in the fog there's not much you can do to "fix" her. IC's can't fix that either. Something has to bring her out of it. I found my something. It was having her served with D papers. I'm not telling you to do that but at some point you have to change the dynamic and that will definitely do it. You have to get to a point where you don't fear either outcome. Don't lie to yourself and say you're at that point if you're not. You have to be ok with moving on from this M. It may be the only way to really save it.

[J5K]

SciDad,

Keep it up. You continue to impress me and keep me motivated to do things for myself! I share your pain and hope and pray we both are successful at getting through this!

[SciDad]

I'm not ready to file yet. I'm just not there emotionally yet. I know I'm not at that point. And I know I can't resort to an ultimatum if there's no teeth to it. That's why I'm going to try to get back to myself for a bit, live in my skin and enjoy the feel of the air passing over me.

I'm not sure what will bring my wife out of the fog, but I'm not going to concern myself with that right now. I know myself and I know that all I'd do is obsess over what actions could have the best effect. And I'd lose myself in the process. It took me long enough to realize that parts of me were missing. I'm sure as hell not going back to being a partial copy of what I want to be.

[SciDad]

TimR and JimKao,

Thank you for letting me know that you are inspired by my post. When I wrote it I felt about as beaten down as is humanly possible. I don't feel I'm anywhere near to detaching, and I'm not sure I'm making the right moves here.

When I'm not sure, I default toward what I know will work. In this case it's me. I need to be happy. The alternative is just not an option anymore.