Stepping in a Different Direction

[Zues126]

It's hard to explain my perspective because so many people view things differently. But I am a big advocate of Dr. Joy Browne's "1 year rule". This means you don't consider dating until 1 full year after the ink on the divorce is dried. Not from when you move out, or separate, or stop having sex. From when the divorce is final. You can google search it, she goes on to explain how anything sooner and you bring so many wounds into the next relationship that it causes everyone more pain and stunts growth.

My IC told me 3-5 years to recover from divorce.

How it looks to me, picture if you will if your H was instead sick in the hospital. Possibly terminal, but maybe not...but not much fun to be around. This is the 'in sickness' part of the marriage. So...if your H was in the hospital bed...would you date? What if he died? Would you wait a week to date? Or a month?

See, from this perspective a year looks pretty normal. Gosh, if I had lost XW in a car crash I wouldn't have been dating the next week.

Divorce is just as real of a loss. Right now you aren't divorced. Your marriage is sick. You're no where near in a spot to be either single or at peace.

But while if he was sick or dead you wouldn't be dating, now you want to...that's because you need validation, you crave attention, you want your needs met, you want what you want...and you wouldn't mind him seeing how you deserve more, or that you have value to others, or that you won't be bullied, etc, etc. But's it's all in reaction to H. I know this because, as I said, if he was dying, you would be grieving not retaliating.

So I'd urge you to commit to the 1 year rule, to look at all of your desires to go find happiness elsewhere as a sign of where you need to grow, and to stand by your vows like you expected him to. Act with the character you wish he had. If you can't, it's not fair to expect him to.