Wow, I just read this thread and I think your H is quite cruel to you! It's almost like he's trying to see if you will stand up for yourself. I think you can tell him 'that was cruel' and walk away when he says things like that. No argument, just remove yourself from the situation.
H told me to 'shut up' on the phone recently and I immediately hung up (I was trying to tell him that I couldn't hear him very well but he could hear me, so he didn't believe there was a problem). I have told him before I will hang up if he swears at me or is rude. He called right back and asked if I hung up and that it really made him mad when I do that. I told him I wouldn't put up with him telling me to shut up, so if he didn't do that, I wouldn't hang up on him.
I have found that I sometimes have to force him to treat me with respect - not demand respect, just not put up with nonsense.
I don't know your entire story, but I wanted to ask if you have seen a lawyer to find out what your rights are? It sounds like there are some potential financial issues you should figure out before you agree to anything or make any decisions for the future.
Don't trust H to treat you fairly. Unfortunately, they see us as an enemy when they're in this mode.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Yes I talked to a L. He said I could get aliomony, child support, daycare etc etc. I just KNOW my h cant afford that and keep this house and his car and all the bills.
I honestly do not know what will happen if he proceeds with the divorxe. He doesnt want to use lawyers but I also do not want to be screwed over.
He can be very mean at times and I wonder if he even knows it. I will have to do that. I usually say nothing because I do not want to fight so maybe telling him something then walking away can be a new boundary instead of sitting there quietly.
He tests me alot.. He will text me just to see if I still will come to the room if he asks me to. He will ask him if I'll make him a sandwich while Im making the kids a sandwich and myself one so it is not hard to make an extra one and then be all shocked and make a smart assy comment such as..wow you will make your estranged husband a sandwich still!
I struggle to find the balance of being nice without doing too much. I feel like he really tests me and i do not know why. It drives me nuts. I'm always a caring, sweet, person so it is hard to know how much is too much when I'm already doing 80% less then usual.
Still need to sit down to a computer and write you a nice reply to your stuff. Anywho, my H had the same realization with money. He did the child support calculation and "discovered" it would be 700$ a month, plus alimony. He was in such a hurry to get out on his own...and then he pumped the brakes and realized how DUMB that would be. *eyeroll* Seriously, they need to sloooowww it down. They're aliens. They see this finish line in sight and want to race for it ignoring the 10ft hurdles.
You know, I feel like I'm being tested too. With those little things, laundry, food etc. I still do things to be nice, and because they're of no inconvenience to me BUT I will not let him baby me. I said to him today he doesn't get to baby me anymore when he was trying to help me with stuff. If he's flat out telling you he's testing you, I wonder if he expects you to get upset and stop (=power/control). What if you just do what you do and don't over think it? Just smile and carry on! That's what I'm focusing on. So what if we're nice people, that doesn't mean we're not necessarily detached...these traits in us we shouldn want to change. Now, I don't think making an extra sandwich if you're up there doing it is too much. If I'd do it for a friend I think it's justifiable. :]
Don't sweat it girl, every day is a fresh start. Men have crap memories anyways. Small consistent efforts, over time....to help ourselves. It'll pay off for US!
Yes I talked to a L. He said I could get alimony, child support, daycare etc etc. I just KNOW my h cant afford that and keep this house and his car and all the bills.
I honestly do not know what will happen if he proceeds with the divorce. He doesn't want to use lawyers but I also do not want to be screwed over.
He can be very mean at times and I wonder if he even knows it. I will have to do that. I usually say nothing because I do not want to fight so maybe telling him something then walking away can be a new boundary instead of sitting there quietly.
He tests me alot.. He will text me just to see if I still will come to the room if he asks me to. He will ask him if I'll make him a sandwich while Im making the kids a sandwich and myself one so it is not hard to make an extra one and then be all shocked and make a smart assy comment such as..wow you will make your estranged husband a sandwich still!
I struggle to find the balance of being nice without doing too much. I feel like he really tests me and i do not know why. It drives me nuts. I'm always a caring, sweet, person so it is hard to know how much is too much when I'm already doing 80% less then usual.
1) It is not your problem if he can't afford to leave you. He's the one who wants a D, not you - so there is no reason for you to enable him.
You are not planning on moving out, I hope?
My H changed his tune when he realized what it would cost him to split. He suddenly decided he wanted to work on the M after all. I think it's like they have an idea of quitting their job and going to live on a paradise island - then they realize that it actually costs money to do that and they actually have to continue working.
2) About the meanness... I have a few thoughts: It could be a lack of respect, or, he could be so insecure about anyone loving him that he has to keep testing you and pushing you away (did anyone important leave him earlier in his life? Or was he not close to one of his parents?)
Or, he could be trying to bait you to maintain the notion that you are bad so he is justified in leaving. Do you think either of those fit? You know him best, and it also depends on if it just started or he's always done it.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter: Answer 1:Yes eventually if we get divorced I would have to leave. He bought the house before we were married, I'm not on the deed, even with 2 full time jobs I could not afford this house on my own and right now I'm a stay at home mom looking for a job.
2: He was very close to both his parents but they said they were gettinf a divorce..he got very distant from them. At that time his dad told us he only stayed with his mom for the kids etc etc but they ended up working it out. No he sometimes says he doesnt want to be like his dad. Just staying for the kids.
When he is mean I never fight, say anything. It mostly hurts my feelings and when I'm sad I get emotional aka cry so I just stay quiet and try to ignore him.
I think he tries to push me away to mame it easier on him? He is very hot and cold. He will try to love on me and kiss me and the next day he is a giant a hole..sometimes all in one day.
If he can't afford to pay you alimony and child support and keep the house, or let you and the children stay, he'll have to sell the house. It is not your job to protect him from the consequences of his choices to the detriment of you and your children. Seriously!
It is a mistake many LBS make - go along with unfair settlements because they're hoping that if they're nice enough, their WAS will change their minds. Unfortunately, a WAS has little respect or empathy and will take advantage of their kindness and you will be left with a settlement that will shape your life for the next 15 years. Please don't!
You will need a L - it doesn't matter what your H wants. He's not looking out for your best interest.
There is nothing contradictory in looking out for yourself and the kids while being open to restoring the M. It's like buying insurance - you're not planning on the house burning down, but you want to be covered in case it does.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter: I know..I hope I'm not like that when and if it happens. I dont know what will happen. I told him I will not agree to anything until he files because I just do not know what will happen. I do know I'll try to be fair but without screwing myself over.
I had my friend and step sister,mom,sister give me an INTERVENTION last night. They decided to tell me that I need to:
1-move on that it isnt healthy for me to still be so sad
2-even though they ask and I'm 100% honest they said they dont want to hear about my issues anymore because I'm not moving forward
3- I'm doing this to myself by waiting
4- I'm dumb for just not going and filing myself
5- Do I really want someone who could be cheating on me
6- They would never support me going back to him
7- They said I'm being pathetic and need to grow up (mind you I'm the only one ever married with kids.)
If this is how my friends and family see me is this how he sees me? Maybe I'm not doing a good DB job on keeping my emotions in.
Do I lie to the people closes to me when they ask if im okay. I figured they are the closes to me it is okay to tell them yeah I cried for a few hours today but I am trying to be stronger.
I feel like crap if this is how everyone sees me. Plus when I go to my moms where all but my friend live they see me sad and crying. Do I hide this now.
Red, I'm so sorry you had to hear that from friends and family. I hear the same thing too! Everyone seems to think my H is cheating as well...yet I have zero proof.
It's your choice. Period. Your life. Period.
Come on here an vent to us.
I know my H is going through something and the right decision for me, no matter how painful, is to keep my heart and mind open to see this through until I CHOOSE otherwise. Not am told or convinced otherwise.
Ugh.
This is why we DB to rewire ourselves. It takes time girl! It won't happen over night and you have to process these changes in your own time. It's hard, it stinks BUT at the end of the day it's your choice.
