Long time

[Irish M]

Hi Nel

I too have no anger. And I question it always.

I think it's because we are in such disbelief that the person we once knew is doing crazy and hurtful things.

My story is different than yours. My STBXW has left me and our D's. Triple whammy. Plus this is my 2nd BD from her . First one was about 10years ago.

All in all I'm not hateful or angry towards her. I'm saddened that she dies what she does to the D's mostly.

Hopefully your H wakes up one day. So many life events he will miss if he doesn't

Hugs
Irish

[Nel]

Yes, Irish. So many life events...my daughter is expecting our first grandchild this summer. I'm wondering how H will react to that since it was her engagement announcement 3 years ago that sent him into his crisis.

[Nel]

Just getting my thoughts out because I can't share this with anyone here.

I'm discouraged and second guessing myself on everything. I told H when he filed the second time for D last month to just leave me alone. And he is. He even wants to chop the waiting period down to 60 days, which I have not agreed to. It is usually 6 months in my state. It's like he can't be done with me fast enough, and it hurts. Last year he did the same thing (offered to wait only 4 months instead of 6 months so it wouldn't be so painful for me), except after only a month he was back.

In December H said, "If I hadn't pulled the papers in August, we would be healed by now." I replied, "No way!" ...and then he said, "Well we would be in a different place emotionally." This was as he was sinking into his winter depression which I've notice in the past few years goes from mid-Nov through Feb. All BDs have been in Jan and Feb.

So I'm still dark and only text him if absolutely needed about financials or D17. I KNOW this is what I'm supposed to do. But I feel like I'm losing him even more.... I can't believe with all the things he said and did from last March through the beginning of November that this is happening.

Last March when H came back, he told me his anger was gone. So I know that the anger covers up all other emotions that he feels for me. All spring, summer, and fall, I had "my guy" back. In mid-November, I think there was some type of trigger because his anger and resentment toward me was back. He then starting saying how I deserved to be loved, how he wasn't happy, how he was doing what he supposed to do-not what he wanted to do. I was in disbelief! Where did "my guy" go? Obviously back into the tunnel. It is so frustrating. Now he has his own house in another town...his own life that I know nothing about. I'm having such a hard time detaching this time.

Nel

[Nel]

Update-
I've had two positive interactions with H in the past two days. I need to keep reminding myself to keep my expectations at ZERO though.

I knew I would see H at D17s game the other night. He sat across the gym all by himself. While there, he texted me that he had something of mine and he could give it to me that night or put it in my work mailbox the next day. I did not know what to do. I thought about the advice here and the DB way. Even though I was trying to stay dark, HE had texted ME, so I thought here's a chance to have a positive interaction. I went over to him and we chatted about our Ds and a few other things. It was good with lots of eye contact. He texted me again when I got home and then again the next morning regarding an insurance issue. This was more communication than we'd had in a week.

The second interaction came after work the next day at a meeting. H called me over to talk about something that had happened the night before during the game with D17. Again, good light discussion and more prolonged eye contact. I wanted to leave him thinking about me. I think it worked, but who knows. I have a tendency to overanalyze, so now I need to go dark again.

Nel

[job]

Nel,
I'm very proud of you. You did a great job. Now, you need to sit quietly and allow him to come to you. When he sees that you aren't pursuing him, he'll become curious and reach out to you again.

[peacetoday]

yes you did good
There are a lot of touch and gos during the crises especially in the beginning
I think they are confused
while they still love us, there is a greater force pulling them out

The DB coach told me if the interactions are getting move or better it is a step in the right direction
but keep expectations low because this may go on for a while
wishing you the best

[Nel]

At another of d17s games last night and H was there with MIL. MIL is not happy with what H is doing (she told me) but they don't talk about feelings in their family. At the game, I did not approach H and he made it a point to ignore me. He did not even look my way. It was too obvious. Odd behavior and interesting too.

Nel

[ciluzen]

At another of d17s games last night and H was there with MIL. MIL is not happy with what H is doing (she told me) but they don't talk about feelings in their family. At the game, I did not approach H and he made it a point to ignore me. He did not even look my way. It was too obvious. Odd behavior and interesting too.

Nel

Don't you just love this hot and cold? Great eye contact, smiles, laughter, pleasant conversation with inside jokes just like normal...and then *poof!*...you don't exist anymore.

[Nel]

EXCEPT that he did text me right when I got home from the game! and again the next morning. It was so obvious that he was trying not to look my way during the game...it was like his neck couldn't turn. Weird. And I'm mad at myself for paying such close attention to him. Ugh. Note to self: Sit where I can't see him then I don't even know what he's doing.

[peacetoday]

I like that

Sit where you can't see him
I get a sense that would make him get very curious