Long time

[ciluzen]

Oh, Nel. I popped over to your thread because you were so kind to post some support on mine. Have you read all of mine? Your story is like a longer version of it.

Where is my anger? I've had so many people ask me that. I've chosen to be loving and compassionate about what H is going through, but the anger has never come. Why? I don't know. And I don't have anyone any more to talk to either because, you're right, they're tired of seeing me get hurt and all want me just to move on from him. Most people who know me see me as a very strong, self-confident person, yet this man reduces me to a puddle of tears.

This is exactly how I feel. People really don't seem to understand. I've found myself defending H to people who believe that this is some form of abuse or that I am a masochist or martyr. I'm neither. I believe we are just women who take our vows seriously and that this falls under "for better or worse" and "in sickness and health".

We value our love for our Hs and honor it by fighting for it in any way that we can. Is it difficult? Painful? Lonely? Frustrating? Confusing? Yes to all. But what if? What if it is a trial by fire? What if we can weather it? What if we can have a new MR with our H? What if, no matter what, we grow and come out the other side stronger and better people? I guess we can call it a win. We win at life. Beats the alternative, right?

My H is fast forwarding to D despite us only being 6.5 months from BD. He didn't want to keep me in limbo (popular word around here).

I have tried to bring up R ( a DB no-no) because he doesn't, but like your H, he refuses to really explain himself unless I push. I have gotten some answers that way, but... He has very strong anger issues that he keeps very deep inside. Most people don't know this (only his brothers and parents and me) but it is there simmering below the surface. I can't help but think of the Hulk when he has said to me "I don't want to get angry..." through gritted teeth. That anger was showing through like a dog's warning growl when I pushed R talks and working on our M. So now I'm just not initiating contact and being as cheerful, patient, and validating as I can when H contacts me. Biting my tongue.