Hey guys, thanks! I'm sticking to the plan despite not wanting to sometimes. I'm still going back and forth each and every day.
Squiggy you surely nailed it! He has some serious growth to do, he claimed he had a year alone...but I think he actually just became more stubborn, frustrated and short sighted.
Fine by me...not my circus.
Today was the first day of our road trip. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions. Last night he left at 1am...and this morning I woke up to dog pee in the bathroom floor. I asked him if he went out why wouldn't he take the dogs, because there was an accident. Then, I asked him if he ran out to talk to OW. He denied - which I still believe. He said he needed some advice from a friend because we're about to embark into unknown territory (really captain obvious?).
What kind of advice could he need, really? He wants a D, but financially can't afford it. Really. He's not willing to screw me over, because it will royally mess him up in the end.
So that was a setback - I appologized, said it wouldn't happen again and I shouldn't have asked. He said it's okay because he understands (is he DBing me? Is it rubbing off?)
But I got on with my day and was proud of myself! I still got dressed to look good, was calm with D4 all day even out to dinner. Was calm when she threw up at dinner out. Didn't get frustrated when I was stuck doing everything from walking the dogs, to bath time to bedtime. *big sigh* I'm already a single mother. I've been doing it alone for a while now...
Some realizations about my own feelings stuck out today. Am I fulfilled? No.
He was sitting at dinner with us, on his phone. My 180 is a lot less phone time, definitely not when he's talking to me and definitely not at dinner. He realized and appologized for it. He appologized for being on his phone!? Dinner was awful, we're all tired but I managed to keep my cool all day.
Win!
Things felt casual and somewhat flirty on the ride. We're both really sarcastic but we had some laughs, sang to some songs, and overall were stress free. 180 accomplished there. He's waiting for the shoe to drop...but I'm not going back to my old life. I won't do it, whether he's with me or not.
Sometimes I feel that he's still in there when he looks at me, or talks to me. Then, a lot of times I see the alien. I don't know - I don't believe what he says, his actions truly are speaking louder as are mine.
I just want to hug him, hold his hand, all of those things but I can't. That's hard too.
Keeping with my goals - tomorrow I'm shooting for the same thing: I will be positive and refrain from complainin I will be calm with D4 and nurture her, instead of scold I will do what needs to be done without stewing about not having help in my head. I will be fun and flirty, and not overanalyze the music he plays and get sad about it
