surrealism is not my style

[ciluzen]

I'm back! Annnnd confused (nothing new there!), but I observed a few things.

I mostly had a good time and the skiing was great! D25's two high school buddies are former ski instructors, so they gave me tips and some great praise on how much I'd improved from what they remembered of my abilities years ago. They are so much fun to hang out with and the set of parents were fun, too.

I did have a bit of trouble with memories washing over me (skied this resort with H and kids and the family H was with this weekend many times) which caused a few teary moments. I regret this, as it affected my daughter even though I tried to hold them back.

I hadn't heard from H (except his text that he'd deposited money into my account) since a week ago Saturday when he unexpectedly skied and lunched with me. However he texted D the entire day we drove up and a few times our first morning there. He wanted daddy/daughter/SIL time. She was torn as she wanted to focus on me since she invited me, but he's her dad.

We accidentally ran into H, Bubbles, and Bubbles' H skiing together at one point. As H told D they were heading into lunch (ignored me) Bubbles gave me a cheery but cautious "hi". Now I know I was going to be super friendly to her (my goal), but I wasn't. I just managed a hi back and looked aloof (more probably pi##ed off). She was not with them later in the day, and H was a bit warmer to me as we skied a few runs together that time and he sat next to me on the lift.

The next day H's group and D and her group did morning skiing together and I joined D later. I had spent the morning talking with D25's daughter's mom. At some point we all met up with H and his group, but Bubbles and her H did not acknowledge me (or me them) and they chose to go back. At this point, H decided to be Ciluzen's good ol'H again...jokes, smiles, and telling me where to go and what to do. I decided to ski past him and show that I was able to ski just fine and find my own way down to whatever lift we were going to.He actually told people how good I'd gotten and was impressed that I never complained (180's, maaaan!). His smile kept getting wider. Then we decided to leave and the veil dropped. Back to cold indifferent H, even to D and SIL. Just a quick goodbye.

So,observations:

1)My D is struggling with our split. She loves skiing with her dad, but as much as he kept promising to have daddy/daughter/SIL bonding time this weekend, he always had the others in tow. He even asked her to do the early runs on Sunday...just them. But when she and SIL got to the lift, he was already riding up with other family! She told him later that not only did he ditch her, but that she felt he was replacing our family with Bubbles'.

2) H is struggling. He is almost desperate in his attempts to control everyone and MAKE them have fun. HIS way. Even the group I was with. It was ringing false. He also was drinking a lot (basically drank his flask dry by the time I met him at noon).

3)H still feels the need to control/take care of me/ try to make sure I'm happy. First run together he shouts to me, "you're with me! Come on!" Then quickly corrected to, "I mean...if you want to..." almost sheepishly. I did, but he felt the need to give me instructions constantly...so I often just did what I wanted. Didn't argue or complain; just skied.

4)Bubbles and her H seemed to notice this as well. I don't know if they chose not to ski with us because they thought I wanted that, because they wanted to let H and I have time together, or because they are angry with me; but when H asked who he was in charge of (referencing the teens with them), Bubbles said irritably "no one. They can find their way around without you!" Then got on the lift.

5) I have felt that everyone just didn't have a big issue with H's behavior...divorce and male/female friendships being so common. No one except my D's and my close friends have expressed outrage at his closeness to Bubbles and how often he was alone with her. But on this trip I realized that others had thought his behavior (I found that others had seen them alone or at functions without me)crossed lines.
And I believe (trying not to mindread) that Bubbles was trying to be truthful when she said she was trying not to step on anyone's toes right now. I had told her how I felt, and I noticed she had her husband with her skiing a lot (others in my group confirmed it).

6) It was hard at first, but I was able to get past my need for H this weekend a bit. I had fun. I had good conversation. I could picture myself a bit with a life without him. Do I WANT that? No. But I can see it through a pinhole if I squint.

Sorry for the book. And thank you to those who check on me and support me. These boards, I believe, are truly life savers. If not marriage savers. I realize as I read other's stories how awful this experience can be and how helpful putting my own story down can also be. I hope it can be as helpful to someone else, either through the shared similarities, the support that is seen, or the various great ideas and advice on each post.