Long time

[Nel]

Job, I wouldn't dream of talking about a relationship with him right now. It's so hard because my family and friends are really pushing me to move on from him, but I keep saying that I know he is struggling and how can I walk away from a 30 year relationship with a man that I love?? They truly don't understand how I can want to be with someone who has hurt me so much, so I'm thankful that I have you guys. I'm trying to detach and keep busy, giving H the space he needs to figure things out. He texts me usually about every day or so mostly about the girls or financial things. I reply when needed and always friendly. He said last year that he wanted to only be friends and that this D wouldn't be nasty like his parents. He has given me pretty much everything I wanted, probably to assuage his guilt.

Thursday night we had a work event that we were both at. I caught him watching me several times. This weekend he texted me about a memory that we shared about when our kids get sick. I just tried to keep it light and joking. I keep remember someone saying to make sure you leave them remembering a positive interaction with you.

This weekend was good. I got to spend time with D17 and D19. We went shopping and out to dinner away from our town. They both "peer pressured" me to buy something nice that I wouldn't have normally bought for myself...and I did. It made me feel good about myself, which is lacking right now.

I know that H is the one with the MLC, but when I keep remembering all the things he has said to me, it really hurts my self-esteem and self-confidence. Even my brother said that maybe he "needs" this D to be right again. I said,"Do you know how that makes me feel? That H can't be right unless he gets rid of me??" Ouch.