I had read before somewhere that LBH should not fear separation, I have 2 weeks left before she is due to move out and am looking forward to some peace. I was wondering if you could expand on this thought or does it follow along the lines of not fearing the end of the M? Is it to do with the losses you mention that need to happen within her? I do expect the time without the kids to be a reality kick for her.
I do not think the H should try to stop her from leaving. He should not try to persuad her stay. Just let her go, and do not break down in front of her. Go somewhere she can't hear you, if must cry. It is important that you have a presence of inner strength. I don't mean that you act angry, sullen, rude or moody. None of those things imply strength. If you think you cannot hold it together, it might be best to take the kids and go do something while she moves out. Some H's help their W move, but I have some mixed feelings about it.
She does have to experience consequences that come from her decisions. As long as her H is there to soften the way, clean up her mess, pay for what she needs, fix her little problems...........how quickly do you see her getting her eyes open to the reality of what she's done?
During the separation period, I believe the H should pull all the way back. This is not the time to pursue her and try convincing her to reconcile. Remember, I am talking about a WAYWARD wife here. The only interaction should be child related, until she can approach him in the manner I spoke about in the early part of this thread.
It is like when you have an almost grown child, there comes a time the parent has to stand back and allow him/her to learn from their personal choices and decisions. Consequences can be a cruel teacher........but oh so very effective. The LBH who is separated from his WW needs to be like that parent and stand back and let her learn. I have seen some people accuse H's of wanting to punish their WW. This is not about vindictiveness, revenge, punishment, or anything along those lines. It is about removing yourself from her life, as much as possible, in order for life to teach her. (If she was not wayward, the advice would not be the same).
If the H's fear causes him to do the opposite of what I've just said, the separation will be pretty much useless and a prelude to D. However, if during the S period, if he will let her get a taste of what D would be.......it could be an effective step to reconciling.
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I have found out from a friend who told me that my W feels very angry, something I most definitely agree with, and needs her own space to deal with it. Now I also believe my W stories can be varies depending on who she talks to so I do take what she says with a grain of salt
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The anger is probably the resentment coming out. Most WW's are very angry at their LBH. Having a cooling off period could be helpful. I think too many H's keep the WW in the home too long and her anger gets worse by the day. I know we normally recommend that the LBS not move out, but there have been some cases that I really encouraged getting away from the WS. I think it causes more damage to stay in a close vicinity with an angry WS for a long time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
