Sandi's Reflections

[sandi2]

Quick Q as I just re-read DR book about the WAW. And trying to read the definitions again as i may be just confusing things.

Is the WW one who has "cheated" versus the WAW who just has said "I am done'?

I know i am simplifying the above. I have not figured out if my STBX was a WAW who drifted to a WW or I was just blind anyway.

My sitch with the impending divorce once the L's get their act together has required me to be alot tougher and set boundries. As well as the last resort technique which I have failed at and am re-reading

Thank you for bringing this up, Rich. Let me clear about the "terms" or "definitions". I am not trying to superimpose anything on what MWD writes, b/c after all, she influenced me in staying in my M. I started using the wayward wife term, and did not suggest that anyone else adopt it......and MWD did not use that particular definition in her book. I said "I" started using the WW term, but people who were on the board when I arrived (such as Puppy Dog Tails, who later was known as Starsky) used that term.......and b/c I was a WW, I hated it. I would bristle every time I read one of their posts. Anyway, as the years passed here on the board, I could see some great advice being given to LBH'S....only I knew that advice would not work on a wayward. If she was not wayward....then, yes, it would have probably worked. I continued to see failure and frustrations in the H's who kept trying to bend over backward trying to become what his W said she wanted.....only for the W to treat him worse and worse. That's b/c the real issue was not being addressed. The real issue was not her complaints about him, but rather, her waywardness.

I think what really made me decide to start writing about the difference in a WAW and a WW, was when Vanilla came to the board. (I had seen other women in the past who referred to themselves as the WAW, but who did not have wayward behavior). Vanilla referred to herself as a WAW b/c she had left her abusive H. However, the first time I read one post from her, just one, I knew this sweet, classy lady did not have the heart of a typical WW. It bothered be me a great deal that she was putting herself into the same category, and trying to apply advice that perhaps was not pertinent to her situation. Eventually, I decided to express my opinions and observations of the differences in a wayward wife, from one who had walked away from a M....without having waywardness of the heart.

Waywardness is a word not used very much these days. The wayward lifestyle has become almost commonplace in our world. And why not? When it is accepted and even encouraged by movements like women's lib, and by movies and books. I was a young woman when women's lib first started, and now I have lived long enough to see it's devestating results. Do not misunderstand, I am all for equal pay and those type things, but I am talking about the moral decay that seems to have been rooted from those types of encouragements.

Sorry, getting too long winded again. Getting back to your question about the cheater. If a spouse has cheated, then I would say that defines them as wayward. I will go further and say that there are other things, and not just infidelity alone, that I personally believe would classify a person as wayward. The Bible refers to a wayward wife as being disobedient (that should boil blood of some women's libbers ). Hey, I don't like it either b/c I am a very independent gal, and would not like the idea of "obeying" my H! Actually, it means to go against him and the boundaries of marriage. To act as if she is not a married woman. To act as if she is not his W, or that she respects him and her M vows. To be resistant and to rebell in mind, attitude, and behavior.

IMO, a Wife is wayward when she is overtly disrespectful to her spouse, and engages in acts that she knows are unacceptable for a wife and mother. When she is riotious. When she willfully does things unbecoming of a married woman (Any type of inappropriate Internet or phone activity; bar hopping; flirting and sexting with men; wild partying; coming home in the wee hours of the morning; spending nights away from home with a "friend"; acting like a rebellious teenager who goes against morality, tradition, and conforming to the role of respected, loving, devoted wife & mother). She may do these things without actually having sex with a man, but usually sex of some kind is involved. These are usually the prelude to sexual hookups. I did not actually have physical sex with the OM, but what I did was indecent. And yes, it was cheating. I was very wayward. Perhaps I was not as bad as some others, maybe I was worse than some. The overt behavior stems from what is in the heart. I believe any type of an A is cheating.