The start of my Happiness 3

[Tyler12]

Finished another book last night. Now I have some tools to attempt to stop being a "nice guy".
The binding theme of everything I read rotates around just being yourself and not worrying about what others think. Why should it affect who your are and how you act? Why let your expectaions of how others will react or judge you define who you are or want to be?

I understand that doesn't give you a license to be a total a'hole or rude and demeaning to people. Also I know almost everyone has told me this many times, I just wasn't ready to listen.

I have lived through everyday since Bday and became stronger personally, I have survived every day and night since W left, each day I am ok, I don't die. And it will continue to be that way until my journey is over.

I allowed my R to define who I was, I allowed W to dictate my behaviour at times, with her words, actions and my wxpectaions of her reaction to what I did or did not do.
I also allowed my family to control my emotions, I let people including my family walk all over me, making feel like I needed to repress my emotions to keep the peace and not rock the boat. And it made me unhappy though I didn't realize it at the time.
I would escape on the computer where there I was anonymous and unafraid of what people said or how I felt and I allowed myself to be absorbed in a fantasy world where I never had to deal with "real" people.

Everyday I am stronger, even when I am upset and feel like an emotional wreck, it makes me stronger because the next time, it isn't as powerful against me.

In a lot of previous posts I bragged that I was moving on, detaching and letting go. Only to be slapped back down and shown I am no where near as far along as I thought. At this time I am not going to claim I am done, that I am detached or moved on, I am going to say that I have the drive to want to, that I understand it will take time and be a roller coaster. And each time I'm down, the only way is up!
I am not sure what exactly triggered the thought process I have adopted this week, probably a mix of everything to this point. The realization that I have faults, I am and have addressed them, that I will continue to fix them and find new ones along the way. That I can no longer let people define who I am. Enough of being a doormat.

I spoke last night of dropping the rope and today I am stil focused on that goal, a realization I had while thinking about the rope was my visualization of the rope I holding. I am sure each person if they envision the rope they are holding onto see it differently in their minds eye. For some it may be a string or just a regular rope. For me I see it as a massive cable of a rope, the type that would tie a ship to the docks. Big enough you could walk up it if you wanted. That made me realize how large of an attachment I have and if I think what I am holding onto is so massive how could I possibly expect to hold that rope up?
If I ever decide to pick up a new rope I will be examining this rope and making sure it is manageable and never becoming more than I can handle, that it becomes so large I can hang every and all expectations on it.

Sorry for the long morning rant. Just had a lot in my mind this morning, as I wrote more and more came to me and I let it out. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!