New night(s)

[kyrie]

Here are things wives listed as their top 2 needs in a marriage in a survey. (See if it feels applicable).

Wives report the 2 priorities for them in a h are fidelity (self explanatory I think) and security. What does "Security" mean, for you?


... "Security" also means our h's not hurt me physically or threaten me or the kids (can't drive unsafely (physical security meaning, a roof over my head). Security also means generally, FEELING SAFE, EMOTIONALLY -

So -- if he belittled me, particularly n front of our children, or prevented me from feeling at peace, or if he'd been "gaslighting" me, I would not be secure or safe in my marriage.

In those cases, I'd have left for good, b/c we are allowed to, (indeed entitled to,) feel safe and sane in our marriages.

Good grief, if our protectors are our biggest detractors and fiercest critics, it's bad news my friend.

I mean, the term "gaslight" comes to mind when I consider your h's behaviors. (google the term, based on the film, if it's unfamiliar to you).

Seems like HE crosses a line and HE goes to nudie bars and HE sees a L, but the mere fact that you seek self improvement is an indictment of YOUR moral failings?

When you GAL even a little, he accuses you of yet another character failing - b/c you are "acting as if nothing is wrong" b/c you are forcing yourself (it's called cognitive behavior therapy, or counting your blessings, etc) into a decent mood.

He seems to want to fight and if you refuse, he's furious, and blames you. But if you engage, he's vindicated, and holds your every flaw over your head like the Sword of Damacles.

Oh Kyrie, I am afraid for you. I am afraid you will never be allowed to enjoy life.

You know I don't mean that in a selfish indulgent way.

Just basic healthy living well, feeling at peace within, and passing on coping skills and joi de vivre to your children...(think of what they'll learn if this keeps on, and how it might push them away from religion)...

I am afraid you are afraid to confront the possibility that he's literally not good enough for you.

Having "another marriage end", does not mandate that you're a bad person.
I have an older sister who is literally the kindest person I know. She's also attractive and funny, she's a nurse and she works hard, etc.

Our dad once referred to her as "the embodiment of good", (which my siblings and I continue to tease her about..."OMG dad, come on!")

Anyhow, Kyrie, she's on her 3rd marriage...why? B/c she's bad? b/c she doesn't deserve to be happy?

B/c the first marriage was a short one, & started at age 18. They were both very young, they made mistakes and perhaps they were not well suited. (Nice guy, though).

The 2nd marriage was 22 years long, with 3 kids and she worked full time and put him thru law school and then.....he left her. He broke her heart...(selfish depressive funny, smart, fool...ex bil)


She's now married again, and although this guy doesn't earn much and isn't perfect - she sure is his priority. I can honestly say she would NOT go back to the one who broke her heart.

She is now, well loved. I tell you this b/c it's not always a moral failing on our part, that ends marriage.

YES It takes two to make a marriage work well, that's true.

But sometimes it only takes one person to end a marriage.

I've got no special hotline to God, but I do know 2 things:

1) your h isn't treating you right.

And 2) we teach our children a lot more about life and marriage by what we endure, what we create, what we make happen than by what we say...

Be at peace, be happy, keep on keeping on. Have courage & strength.

((( )))

Yes, emotional security is non-existent. That's fairly obvious to many who know the sitch. Yes, I know gaslighting and know he does it - manipulation. He says he saw the lawyer but didn't like his options (I'm thinking financial and family losses were too much to bear). He knows that D would destroy him in so many ways. Maybe he knows that's the kick in the @$$ to force change (though, how real could that change be?). I kinda wonder if that's why he says from time to time that he wishes I WOULD divorce him.
Sword of Damocles - nice one!
Yes, the girls have noticed a lot more lately. I think the fighting has spilled out and is louder than before. I wish I could stop myself - I know it is a big factor.
With your sister (and with my sitch), I wonder how much the need for men to really be the provider & "earn things" plays a part in all that. It has to affect them on some level - moreso with certain "types". Thanks for sharing & your encouragement 25years.