New night(s)

[kyrie]

Good luck with the coach, Kyrie.

I found mine so very helpful. But your post makes me sad.
I don't throw out the terms "manipulation" or "abuse" carelessly. Yet your h's behavior sure smacks of both.

And some serious hypocrisy. Since I know you cannot change him, I'm at a loss as to how to advise.

Kyrie, YOU already know some behaviors are so over the line, that things would have to end. If he hit you in the face, or hurt the kids or drove drunk with kids in the car, etc....I believe you'd leave, regardless of what others thought or said.

Ah, but it's the gray areas that trouble us most, I suspect. The flaws in them, in which we believe WE play a role, (or we become convinced THEIR flaw is at least partly OUR responsibility)


What did I have to "own", and what did I have to accept AND perhaps hardest of all, what could I NOT live with ---(& therefore have to confront??)

For me, the following criteria helped me get some clarity.

I offer it to you, just in case....

AGAIN I remind you, operate under the assumption your h will NOT change

I would ask myself whether the flaw or behavior in h was something that would block or substantially hinder MY own contentment,

and or

MY ability to create joy in my life, and or to feel security, and meaning,

would he try to stand in my way to living a life of loving purpose and at least some self actualization, etc....

Maybe you can ask yourself these questions if they feel authentic for you. Whatever you do, keep facing things with the courage you've shown here.

((( )))

Thanks 25years. Yeah, it's all so confusing. He would stand in the way of anything he didn't benefit from or felt he could not manipulate/control. But that's still no reason to divorce.