I found mine so very helpful. But your post makes me sad. I don't throw out the terms "manipulation" or "abuse" carelessly. Yet your h's behavior sure smacks of both.
And some serious hypocrisy. Since I know you cannot change him, I'm at a loss as to how to advise.
I've come to realize that having a flaw in a spouse is normal, even a fairly significant one. But no, it does NOT mean you must divorce them.
I recall when a brother announced to me my h was "being selfish", as if it was a guilty verdict my brother had deliberated on for days.
I conceded the point and said "yes that's true. And I can be self righteous/sarcastic" and whatever other flaws I could think of at the time. I mean, yeah, join the human club.
Kyrie, YOU already know some behaviors are so over the line, that things would have to end. If he hit you in the face, or hurt the kids or drove drunk with kids in the car, etc....I believe you'd leave, regardless of what others thought or said.
Ah, but it's the gray areas that trouble us most, I suspect. The flaws in them, in which we believe WE play a role, (or we become convinced THEIR flaw is at least partly OUR responsibility)
I pondered this^^^ a lot. Where did I end, and h begin? Where was the outer boundary of MY mistakes and where did my h's start?
What did I have to "own", and what did I have to accept AND perhaps hardest of all, what could I NOT live with ---(& therefore have to confront??)
For me, the following criteria helped me get some clarity.
I offer it to you, just in case....
AGAIN I remind you, operate under the assumption your h will NOT change
I would ask myself whether the flaw or behavior in h was something that would block or substantially hinder MY own contentment,
and or
MY ability to create joy in my life, and or to feel security, and meaning,
would he try to stand in my way to living a life of loving purpose and at least some self actualization, etc....
Maybe you can ask yourself these questions if they feel authentic for you. Whatever you do, keep facing things with the courage you've shown here.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
