This morning I did a little GAL myself, and went out for coffee with a friend. H was crabby this morning, he just seemed irritated with me for...existing. So, I brushed it off and just went on with my day.
I got back from this outing and we had another finances talk - my plan is to go back to school for a year, get my vocational nursing cert and work from there finding a job. I have a BA - but I will make more money going to school than having a job so our joint plan was to use that income as extra to pay off our debt. That means, for me...instead of building a nest egg, I have to trust the H not to F me in the A when I'm looking for a job and he has to support me....probably sounds really dumb, but I know it'll be okay...
For the past few days since he's been back it's been a whirlwind of emotion and figuring things out at lightning speed - he's seriously thinking years ahead, and in only focused on what's in front of us: moving. It's been keeping me up at night because I'm just not there yet in my head, I haven't even moved into another home yet, or found a school for D4 or anything. All he's been thinking about is HIM.
Something happened today, for him. I started looking for a school program, told him it would take 12 months. Kept reminding him as nicely as I could that we have to think about D4 first, get that hurdle taken care of and then I'll start school. He seemed excited for me when the school called and the fact that I was seriously looking at medical programs which is my dream field. Well...
He appologized. He said he'd been only thinking about what he wants, and he needs to be patient. He has to remind himself to think about what's best for D4 and the best way to get me on my feet. Again....none of what he says, half of what he does.
I opened up and spilled that he's never considered our D4 or helped me make decisions for her life, that's always been me since she was born and I hated that. I told him I need him to be there when he's here and to yes...consider her needs with me. I felt like I shouldn't have to say that, and I probably shouldn't have because I don't want him to fee inadequate but he already does, he's already aware.
After that conversation today, I've accepted that I said my peace and need to let it go. Let him change it. If he does, or doesn't nothing changes for me. I don't want to make him feel inadequate or unappreciated or any of that. I'm working on him seeing that I don't NEED him here but I WANT him here.
Another thing I realized is he feels extreme guilt for leaving often and being a stranger in his own home is very difficult for him. He doesn't know how we do things and I haven't helped him to figure it out at his pace with minimal help.
Ugh, so many realizations today.
So after he appologized he was typing away on his computer. I inquired (ugh) and he said he was writing an email to himself to remind himself of what he's promised me when he gets impatient.
This is a man who doesn't love me anymore, but it takes love to sacrifice "happiness" for a person. I've sacrificed my career and years to our D4 and him to give our family the flexibility for his job. I really feel like I deserve to get some sacrifice in return since this isn't the life/situation I wanted.
I'm trying not to be a cry baby here because I have an H who despite not wanting to be my H is still friendly, fun to be around, helpful and kind. He does want the best for me and D4 he just needs to slow down, which he realized on his own. I know he could tell that it's affecting everyone.
I do miss him though. He's on the couch next to me and I just want to BE with him. It's so hard. I know he wants the same from how he acts around me, but he's convinced himself that he will never go backs
He reads our old messages from the fallout of the bomb drop to remind himself - that's what he said - to remind himself of the demon that he can force out of me by telling me the horrible crap he has.
He had a moment today where he started to cry because he said we're becoming better people, and it's because we don't love eachother anymore. He thinks we held eachother back and I wouldn't have lived my life if he didn't throw the D or ILYBNILWY bomb. When in reality, we JUST got over the hump. New location, new job for him that keeps him home longer, no more multiple therapies for our daughter. Smooth sailing in my mind! This was what we were waiting for to fix things, at least make them better. He thinks it's a lack of love that's the reason for my 180s and GAL.
I don't know how to help him see that he's not considering the whole picture. Just the pieces that fit for him at the time.
Keeping with the 180s and GAL I'm doing good...but it's still hard. All of it.
